Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?

A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" - applause. "O!" - more applause. "O!" - yet more applause. "O!" - an ovation. "O!!!" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that’s the Olympic rings, you don’t need to read it!"

When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,… honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

When is a pencil not a pencil? When it’s on a Pentagon shopping list - then it’s a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.

It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.

The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !

"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s

Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.

Said the first man "I’m going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me."

"That’s nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right. The statistician yells "We got ‘em!"

A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown.

She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep.

She goes up to the farmer and ask, “If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?”

The farmer nodded. She continued. “159” The farmer is surprised. “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess” She grabs one and gets in her car.

The farmer comes up and says, “If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?”

Dubya Quotes

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."

…George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."

…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change."

…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’."

…Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

…Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

…Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."

…Governor George W. Bush

"We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world."

…Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

…Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."

…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

…Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

…Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

…Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

…George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

…Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

…Governor George W. Bush

"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

…Governor George W. Bush

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

…Governor George W. Bush

"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

…Governor George W. Bush

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.

The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.

Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: “Assume we have a can opener…”

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.

It says: “My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don’t bother waiting up for me.”

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: “You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you’re not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I’m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don’t YOU wait up for ME.”

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right!

So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb.

They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”

The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then they asked, “What is 15 - 5?”

The blonde responded, “20, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?” “Is it 3?” said the blonde.

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he’s lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:“Can you tell me where I am, and which way I’m headed?”

“Sure! You’re at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You’re at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you’re hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians” “Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?”

“I am! But how did you know?”

“Everything you’ve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me at all!”

“Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?”

“Geeze! How’d you know that?”

“You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

A helium molecule walks in afterwards. The bellhop asks if he needs any help. Helium doesn’t react.

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there’s a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but… but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."

A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, “What is 2+2?”

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, “4.”

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, “4.0” Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, “What do you want it to be?”

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said.

“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn. He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat.

He could only take one across at a time.

He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn.

How did he get them all safely over the stream? He took the goose over first and came back.

Then he took the fox across and brought the goose back.

Next he took the corn over.

He came back alone and took the goose.

A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11? The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, “On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night.”

A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.

The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.

The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off.

The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.

The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?".

To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.

“How did you like it?” the mathematician wants to know after the talk. “My head’s spinning,” the engineer confesses.

“How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?”

“Well, it’s not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13.”

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.

Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.

They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: “Let’s suppose the can is opened….”

A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.

It will be called Fish and Chips.

A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What’s so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky’s mauser…"

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered: “I think… no… yes… I’m not sure… what about 4?”

“Did you say 4?” the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says: "Here’s a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature. "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

A statistician’s wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.

“Bring them to church on Sunday and we’ll baptize them,” said the minister. “No,” replied the statistician. “Baptize one. We’ll keep the other as a control.”

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.

It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”

Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.

• Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills.

• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on

nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

• A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.

Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen

pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of

whiplash injuries and back pain.

• A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days

later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

• When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan, refused to

hand over cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

This joke is kind of dated but it’s still funny.

Al Gore, Bill, Hilary, and Chelsea Clinton were all riding in the Airforce One. Out of the blue Gore says, "I could throw a hundred, one dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy." Bill says, "Well I could throw ten, ten dollar bills out the window, and make ten people very happy." Hilary, not wanting to be left out, says "Well I could throw one, one hundred dollar bill out the window and make one person extremely happy." Chelsea rolled her eyes and said "Well i could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole nation happy!"