These are all true cuttings,

Irish police are being handicapped

in a search for a stolen van

because they cannot issue a description. It is

a Special Branch vehicle and they

do not want the public to know what it

looks like. (The Guardian)

Police reveal that a woman

arrested for shoplifting had a

whole salami in her knickers. When asked why she

said it was because she was

missing her boyfriend. (Reuters via The

Manchester Evening News)

After being charged 20 [pounds] for a 10 [pound]

overdraft, 30 year old Michael

Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed

poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are

Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked

him to close his account and Mr.

Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p

balance by cheque made out in his

new name.

(The Guardian)

Notice seen in the Churchtown

Parish Magazine: Would the

congregation please

note that the bowl at the back of

the church labelled "For the sick"

is for monetary donations only.

There must, for instance, be

something very strange in a man

who, if left alone in a room with a tea cosy,

doesn’t try it on. (Glasgow

Evening News)

A young girl who was blown out to

sea on a set of inflatable teeth

was rescued by a man on an inflatable

lobster. A coastguard spokesman

commented:

"This sort of thing is all too

common?" (The Times)

At the height of the gale the

harbourmaster radioed a coastguard

on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind

speed. He replied that he was sorry but

he didn’t have a gauge. However if

it was any help the wind had just

blown his Land-Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Commenting on a complaint from a

Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas

bill a spokesman for North West Gas

said: "We agree it was rather high

for the time of year. It is possible Mr. Purdey

has been charged for the gas used

up during the explosion that blew his

house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)