"The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" â€”Conan O’Brien
"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." â€”David Letterman
"Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" â€”Craig Ferguson
"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." â€”Craig Ferguson
"How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." â€”David Letterman
"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." â€”Conan O’Brien
An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, “How odd. Scottish sheep are black.”
“No, no, no!” says the physicist.
“Only some Scottish sheep are black.”
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions’ muddled thinking and says, “In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here.”
An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.
After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?”
After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.”
The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.”
The jogger, shocked, responds, “yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”
“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?”
The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.
Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.
After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.
At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;
If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style…
If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident…
If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law…
If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention…
If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion…
If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory…
If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake…
If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."
Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq
These colors don’t run the world.
One nation under surveillance.
It’s the oil, stupid.
War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
Read between the Pipelines
No More BuSh.
Smart weapons, Dumb president.
The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.
How many Lives per Gallon?
Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!
Peace Takes Brains
Anything war can do, peace can do better.
Negotiation Not Annihilation.
Another patriot for peace.
How did our oil get under their sand?
Go Solar, not Ballistic.
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.
Don’t blame me, I voted with the majority.
Resistance is Fertile.
(Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.
(UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.
(On a five year old) More Candy Less War.
Say can you see my democracy?
(With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.
Drop Bush, Not Bombs
Oh Say can You Cease?
Star Spangled Bummer
Don’t Arm a Son of a Bush
Don’t do it George, Dad will still love you.
Power to the Peaceful
The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.
Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn’t returned yet; we are told he liked it there."
President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.
First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart," so the Wizard said, "So be it."
Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain." The Wizard said, "So be it."
Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage." The Wizard granted this wish as well.
Yhen Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, "Well, what do you want?" to which Clinton replied, "I’m here for Dorothy!"
A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."
A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"
The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"
"No," he replies, "I’m an asshole."
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It’s a planet," replied God,
"and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What’s that one?"
"Ah," said God "That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, then said, "There is another Washington… wait until you see the idiots I put there!"
Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.
"No, Mr. President! I said, ‘Throw the first PITCH!'"
Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I’d like a quickie."
"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don’t believe that’s a good idea. I’ll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away.
Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’"
Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"
Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.
Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"
Christophe replied, "That makes us even."
Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, "I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!" St. Peter says, "Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord." So they go to meet the Lord, who says "Who are you and what have you done?" Clinton replies, "I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!" The Lord then says, "Come Bill, sit on my right hand." Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy.
Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic.
After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, "Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US." Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, "Who are you and what have you done?" Hillary replies, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!"
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.
Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.
Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.
The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall". He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"
The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’ They ask for the good news first.
Aziz says, ‘The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.’
‘And the bad news?’ they ask.
Aziz replies, ‘He’s lost an arm’.
At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY,
Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York!
"RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face."
"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.
"Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run to my feet?"
"Because your feet aren’t empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It’s me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that’s a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It’s me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It’s Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!"
Bush/Cheney ‘04: We’re Gooder!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Leave no Child a Dime!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Because the Truth Just isn’t Good Enough.
Vote Bush in ‘04: It’s a no-brainer!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Leave no Billionaire Behind
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Thanks for not Paying Attention
Bush/Cheney ‘04: The Last Vote You’ll Ever Have to Cast
Bush/Cheney ‘04: This Time, Elect Us!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Four More Wars
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Asses of Evil
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Apocalypse Now!
Vote Bush in ‘04: Because Dictatorship is Easier
George W. Bush: A Brainwave away from the Presidency
George W. Bush: It Takes a Village Idiot
Don’t Think. Vote Bush!
BU_ _SH_ _!