Politics Jokes

George Bush senior and junior were dragging the deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his along, too.

"Sirs, I don’t want to tell you how to do something," he said, "but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer the other way, then the antlers won’t drag on the ground."

After the other hunter left, they decided to try it. A little while later, George junior said to George senior, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," said George senior, "but we’re getting farther from the truck."

#Politics Jokes

One day a cop walks in to a barber shop and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The cop thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a box of a dozen donuts on the barber’s desk. A republican walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but the barber says, "Im doing free haircuts this week." The republican thanks him and walks away. The next day there is a self help book on his desk. A democrat walks in and gets a haircut. He tries to pay the barber but barber says, "I’m doing free haircuts this week." The next day, there are 20 democrats at the door waiting for a free haircut.

#Politics Jokes

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.

"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.

In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She’s expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.

Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore’s sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the subject of Gore kept "coming up." "I’m sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.

President Bush didn’t seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it’s all crap by now, don’t you?"

#Politics Jokes

  1. In Bettendorf, it is illegal for liquor stores to place advertisements for beer outside the store.

2)In Mount Vernon, a person first must obtain written permission from the City Council before throwing bricks into a highway.

#Politics Jokes

Here is a list of some really stupid laws I’ve seen:

Alaska- You can’t wake up a sleeping bear, just to take its picture.

Florida-Unmarried women may not parachute on Sundays.

Idaho- You can’t fish from the back of a camel. (Who has a pet camel in Idaho anyway?!?)

Oklahoma-Whaling is illegal. (hint-there aren’t any oceans or whales in Oklahoma!)

 You also can't sleep on a refrigerator OUTDOORS, although it is perfectly legal to sleep on your refrigerator in public, as long as you are indoors.

Baldwin Park, California- You can’t (and why would you?) ride bicycles in swimming pools.

Houston, Texas- You can’t sell Limburger cheese on Sunday.

Lexington, Kentucky- You can’t carry an ice-cream cone in your pocket. (What are the police going to go around checking peoples pockets for ice-cream?)

Marion, Ohio- You can’t walk backwards on a city street while eating a donut.

Myrtle Creek, Oregon- No boxing with kangaroos. (Wait, there are kangaroos in Oregon???)

Nashville, Tennessee- You must be at least 18 years old to play pinball.

New Orleans- You may not tie an alligator to a fire hydrant.

Whitehall, Montana- You can’t drive a car with ice picks attached to the wheels.

Wynona, Oklahoma- You can’t wash your clothes in a birdbath. (Be careful…the neighbors are watching!)

#Politics Jokes

Beaverton, OR- You must buy a $10 permit to be allowed to install a burglar alarm.

Portland, OR- People may not whistle underwater.

#Politics Jokes

In Utah, the following laws are on the books:

  1. Birds have the rightaway on all highways.

2)It’s legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list.

  1. In Tremonton, it is illegal to have sex in a moving ambulance.If you are caught doing so the guy is let go and the woman is punished and her name appears in the newspaper.

  2. In Trout Creek, pharmacists may not sell gunpowder to cure headaches.

#Politics Jokes

Three men sit in a jail in (KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, and he says, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail too. He responds, "I’m Karl Radek."

#Politics Jokes

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#Politics Jokes

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE’RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria’s Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: ‘BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady’s Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

#Politics Jokes

The Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it possible to enjoy life to the fullest in the Soviet Union?"

The Armenian Radio answers: "Yes, if you like crowded trains."

#Politics Jokes

Rising gas prices have caused the following event:

The wife comes home and says, "It’s been a tough week. I want you to take me someplace expensive tonight."

The husband promptly takes her to the nearest Gas Station.

#Politics Jokes

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?"

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise’."

#Politics Jokes

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Senator Trent Lott. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Lott, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: "Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

#Politics Jokes

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Teachers’ Strike Idles Kids

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe

Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May Last a While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Red Tape Holds up New Bridge

Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Chef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed Needy

Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

Local High School Dropout Cuts in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

#Politics Jokes

Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don’t be surprised.

#Politics Jokes

Q: Rabinovich, what is a fortune?

A: A fortune is to live in our Socialist motherland.

Q: And what’s a misfortune?

A: A misfortune is to have such a fortune.

#Politics Jokes

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.

Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!" and you will not be punished.

#Politics Jokes

There have been recent terrorist activities in France. Today the had to upgrade their security system from "Run" to "Hide". If things get any worse they’ll have to go to "Surrender", and then "Beg for Mercy".

#Politics Jokes

The teacher asks in school: "What is the most important thing in socialism?" The students consider and little Fritz (Fritzchen) answers: "The most important thing in socialism is the human!" The teacher: "That is a good answer, Fritzchen. I will give you a B-grade." Fritzchen is dissatisfied and responds emphatically: "Would you maybe give me an A if I told you what the human’s name was?"

#Politics Jokes

The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, why are you always speaking of our Soviet brothers? It’s ‘Soviet friends’." Fritz responds: "Well, you can pick your friends."

#Politics Jokes

The teacher asks: "Fritzchen, what is the difference between capitalism and socialism?" Fritz replies: "Capitalism is the exploitation of man by man. Under socialism, it is the other way around."

#Politics Jokes

Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign

September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA

In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his ‘complete and full stop’. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be ‘consistent with typical driving patterns’ caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."

Owner of Perfect House Lives in Car

September 18, 2002 - Baltimore, USA

In fear of possibly disturbing the perfection that is his house, Donald Manison has been forced to live in his 1998 Dodge Caravan. "I became obsessive, everything in the house was so photo-perfect that I was eventually scared of walking on the carpet in fear that I might disturb the direction of the carpet threads." Magazines wanting a glimpse and photos of the perfect house were limited to viewing through opened ground floor windows. When asked how long he will continue his present lifestyle he replied, "If living in my mini-van is payment for a perfect house, I’m willing to pay."

Lack of Talent Contest Being Held for Next Batch of Mac Commercials

July 22, 2002 - New York, USA

Apple’s new "Switch" television ad campaign, featuring people who didn’t quite know what to do with a Windows based PC that moved to that Mac platform, will continue into the summer season. In order to find actors similarly dense and ignorant to the ones featured in the first batch of commercials, Apple will be holding a Lack of Talent contest. Campaign producer Ted Zielchman commented, "All of the actors we were getting from the talent agencies were too intelligent, and these are people who are usually rejected based on lack of intelligence, so we are faced with a unique problem. I believe though, based on the applicants for the contest so far, we have some likely candidates. Some were unable to even spell their name and had that ‘not so bright look on their face’ - consistent with the first batch of actors we used. The first batch were easy to find, we visited the local district Mac Club. After that we simply had a hard time finding anyone willing to admit being an Apple user."

#Politics Jokes

A few decades from now, George Bush will die (everyone dies eventually). He goes up to Heaven where he sees a bunch of clocks, and he asks God what the clocks do.

"These clocks go forward one minute each time the person tells a lie."

Bush looks for his clock.

"Where’s mine?"

"Oh, that one? I use that as a ceiling fan."

"WHAT?"

#Politics Jokes

"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"

"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"

"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev’s pacemaker and Andropov’s dialysis machine).

#Politics Jokes

God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, "Folks, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world." Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, "My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world." Then Bill Gates writes an e-mail to all of his friends and employees, "Hi people, Iv’e got some great news and even better news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the most famous people on earth. The even better news is that we don’t have to upgrade from Windows XP.

#Politics Jokes

What was the most-frequently used word at the German-German border? "Goose meat". (Gänsefleisch, sounds like the first three words in Genn’ se vleisch mal ‘n Gofferraum offmachn? in the Saxon accent, Können Sie vielleicht mal den Kofferraum aufmachen? in standard German, which means Could you please open the trunk? )

#Politics Jokes

In a restaurant:

― Why are the meatballs of cubic shape?

― Perestroika! (restructuring)

― Why are they undercooked?

― Uskoreniye! (acceleration)

― Why are they bitten?

― Gospriyomka (state approval)

― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?

― Glasnost! (openness)

#Politics Jokes

What exactly does the government do?

They seem to complicate all the simple things while trying to do the opposite.

#Politics Jokes

The recent hurricane and gasoline issues helped prove existence of a new element. In early October [2005] a major research institution announced discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Government."

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons. Since Gv has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Gv causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second!

Gv has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Gv is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Gv becomes Administratium (Am) - an element which radiates just as much energy as Gv since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

#Politics Jokes

Which three great nations in the world begin with "U"? - USA, USSR, and our (German:unsere) GDR (USA, UdSSR, Unsere DDR). (A play on the way official discourse often used the phrase "our GDR", and also often exaggerated the GDR’s world status.)

#Politics Jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked - Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death’s Door - Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled - No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike - Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails - Fans Protest

#Politics Jokes

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim’s Kin

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day - Let’s Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn’t Seen in Years

#Politics Jokes

The following are headlines that might have appeared in papers in the aftermath of Little Bighorn -

Variety: "Custer Closes Out of Town"

Pravda: "Big Red Victory"

Sports Illustrated: "Indians Win Series"

Women’s Wear Daily: "Feathers Make Comeback"

Reader’s Digest: "Sitting Bull Reveals New Cure for Dandruff"

The Washington Post: "Custer Loses Rural Vote"

#Politics Jokes

One night, Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington’s ghost in the White House. Clinton saw him and asked, "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom.

Clinton didn’t sleep well the next night, and saw another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked.

"Go to the theatre."

#Politics Jokes

  1. Iraqi Head Found With Arms

  2. Man Loses Toes in Snow, but Timesheet Submitted

  3. Crack found on Governor’s Daughter

  4. Miners Refuse To Work After Death

  5. Eight Arms Found In Octopus

#Politics Jokes

Honecker meets Mao and asks him: "How many political opponents do you have in China?" Mao: "I estimate about 17 million." Honecker: "Oh, that’s pretty much the same here." (The GDR had 17 million inhabitants)

#Politics Jokes

Early in the morning, Honecker arrives at his office and opens his window. He sees the sun and says: "Good morning, dear Sun!"

The sun replies: "Good morning, dear Erich!"

Honecker works, and then at noon he heads to the window and says: "Good day, dear Sun!"

The sun replies: "Good day, dear Erich!"

In the evening, Erich calls it a day, and heads once more to the window, and says: "Good evening, dear Sun!"

The sun is silent.

Honecker says again: "Good evening, dear Sun! What’s the matter?"

The sun replies: "Kiss my ass. I’m in the West now."

#Politics Jokes

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!"

The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!" "Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

#Politics Jokes

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He answered it and listened intently. After a brief moment, his face lit up with a smile.

He hung up the phone and immediately called his mother to pass along the good news.

"Ma, the results are in," he shouted joyously. "I won the election!"

"Honestly?" his mother replied.

"Aw, gee, Ma, what a time to bring that up!" he said.

#Politics Jokes