President Bush was visiting a classroom where a teacher was giving a lesson on blood circulation. Trying to make the lesson clearer, he said, "Now, children, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run to my face."
"Yes, sir," one of the girls said.
"Then why is it," he continued, "that while I am standing upright the blood doesn’t run to my feet?"
"Because your feet aren’t empty," replied a boy in the back of the room.
G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."
She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
Tony Blair replies, "It’s me!" and hangs up.
G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
And Cheney says, "Wow, that’s a tough one. Let me get back to you."
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn’t your sister and it isn’t your brother. Who is it?"
And Colin Powell says, "It’s me!"
So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It’s Colin Powell."
And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!"
Bush/Cheney ‘04: We’re Gooder!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Leave no Child a Dime!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Because the Truth Just isn’t Good Enough.
Vote Bush in ‘04: It’s a no-brainer!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Compassionate Colonialism
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Leave no Billionaire Behind
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Putting the "con" in conservatism
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Thanks for not Paying Attention
Bush/Cheney ‘04: The Last Vote You’ll Ever Have to Cast
Bush/Cheney ‘04: This Time, Elect Us!
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Four More Wars
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Asses of Evil
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Assimilate. Resistance is Futile
Bush/Cheney ‘04: Apocalypse Now!
Vote Bush in ‘04: Because Dictatorship is Easier
George W. Bush: A Brainwave away from the Presidency
George W. Bush: It Takes a Village Idiot
Don’t Think. Vote Bush!
BU_ _SH_ _!
Good Ev’nin America! I, George Dubya Bush, confess that I wrote the Shakespeare plays. First of all, I’m very intellentifull. I didn’t mean to confusinate you, but I’m just that smart. Do not misunderestimate me because I can’t prononunce n-n-n-uclar -you know what I mean. Shakespeare was in my axis of evil, so I wrote the plays. I mean, who would write plays like "A Homedy of Terrors, Nothing to Say about Something, The Naming of my Poo, Porklet, and A Late Winter’s Ice Cream?" I must also give credit to my Secretary of State, Donald Rumpelstiltskin for playing an interceptun on my fumble.
Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes, Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.
Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later, the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well.
"I’m going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Bush snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I’m going back to Baghdad!" Bush says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
As governor, Bush got to act ceremonially as a state trooper for a day. While operating a speed trap, Bush pulled over a farmer. He lectured the farmer about his speed and the necessity of obeying laws made by his superiors, and in general threw his weight around. Finally, he got around to writing the ticket, and as he was doing so he kept swatting at some flies that kept buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some trouble with those circle flies there, are ya, sir?"
Bush stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if that’s what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer said, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of horses."
Bush said, "Oh," and went back to writing the ticket. After a minute, he stopped and slowly said, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?"
The farmer said, "Oh, no, governor, I have too much respect for you to even think about calling you a horse’s ass."
Grinning broadly, Bush says, "Well, that’s a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don’t worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"
Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: "I don’t know, I never had one."
American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.
Revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Major Scandal during their presidency….
The President’s biggest fear….
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President…..
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Nixon: Couldn’t stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn’t stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn’t explain….
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon’s The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He’s the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow’s peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick
and finally, Presidential excuses….
Nixon: I am not a crook!
Clinton: I did not do nook!
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you'‘ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ‘‘round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn'‘t, even with my wife
And Jennifer Flowers’’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don'‘t remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don'‘t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have -once with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with a cigar
I never dated Mrs.Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you'‘ve caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter was giving her a tour of Heaven when she noticed that there were dozens of clocks on the wall. Each clock displayed a different time of day.
When she asked St. Peter about the clocks, he replied, "We have a clock for each person on earth and every time they tell a lie the hands move. The clock ticks off one second each time a lie is told." Special attention was given to two clocks. The clock belonging to Mother Teresa has never moved, indicating that she never told a lie. The clock for Abraham Lincoln has only moved twice. He only told two lies in his life. Hillary asked "Where is Bill’s clock?"
St. Peter replied,"Jesus has it in his office… he’s using it as a ceiling fan."
Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."
Q: Comrade Lev, why now, just when things are getting better for your people, are you applying for an exit visa to make aliyah to Israel?
A: Well, comrade, there are two reasons. One is that my next-door neighbor is Pamyat and he tells me that after they get rid of you communists, they are coming next after the Jews.
Q: But they will never get rid of us communists!
A: I know, I know, of course you are right! And that’s the other reason.
"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning "this way is ok too", which has become somewhat proverbial).
This is seriously strange.
If you vote, don’t vote because it offends you, just view it as sarcastic.
If this being sarcastic offends you, view it as serious. I refuse to tell which way I think about it.
If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he feels that no one should have one.
If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is, he wants to ban all meat products for everyone.
If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
A liberal wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.
If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he loudly demands legislated respect.
If a black man or Hispanic is conservative, they see themselves as independently successful.
Their liberal counterparts see themselves as victims in need of government protection.
If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him.
If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Liberals demand that those they don’t like be shut down.
If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God or religion silenced.
If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.
U.S. President Calvin Coolidge and his wife allegedly visited a poultry farm. During the tour, Mrs. Coolidge inquired of the farmer how his farm managed to produce so many fertile eggs with such a small number of roosters. The farmer proudly explained that his roosters performed their duty dozens of times each day.
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mr. Coolidge," pointedly replied the First Lady.
The President, overhearing the remark, asked the farmer, "Does each rooster service the same hen each time?"
"No," replied the farmer, "there are many hens for each rooster."
"Perhaps you could point that out to Mrs. Coolidge," replied the President.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they can track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
â€¢ A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.
â€¢ Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
â€¢ An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
â€¢ Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
â€¢ Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
â€¢ Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
â€¢ Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
â€¢ Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
â€¢ Incestuous marriages are legal.
â€¢ It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
â€¢ It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
â€¢ It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
â€¢ It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone’s pity.
â€¢ It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
â€¢ It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
â€¢ It is unlawful to wear women’s pumps with sharp, high heels.
â€¢ It’s against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."
â€¢ It’s illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
â€¢ Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
â€¢ Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
â€¢ Masks may not be worn in public
â€¢ Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
â€¢ Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.
â€¢ No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
â€¢ Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.
â€¢ Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
â€¢ Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
â€¢ Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
â€¢ The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.
â€¢ Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
â€¢ You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
â€¢ You may not drive barefooted.
â€¢ You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
â€¢ You must have windshield wipers on your car.
â€¢ Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
â€¢ Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
â€¢ Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
â€¢ Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
â€¢ Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
â€¢ Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one’s sex.
â€¢ Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it’s perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I’ve been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
â€¢ In Colorado it’s now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
â€¢ In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber’s to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
â€¢ In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
â€¢ It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
â€¢ It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
â€¢ It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
â€¢ It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
â€¢ It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
â€¢ Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
â€¢ No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
â€¢ Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
â€¢ Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
â€¢ Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
Kenneth Jeffries, 24, was arrested in West Haven, Conn., in August for robbing a convenience store. Police reported that he had first offered the clerk $1 for a pack of gum as a ruse and then taken $40 in the robbery.
However, said police, Jeffries returned a minute later and asked, uncertainly, "Did I pay for the gum?"
By that time the clerk had summoned police, and Jeffries was soon apprehended.
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we’re from Texas, and we’re used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I’ll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans’ camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain’t hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let ‘s see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I’ll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans’ campsite, and they are all whoopin’ and hollerin’ and drinkin’ the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin’ like there is no tomorrow.
"I don’t get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That’s just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.
What should I do?
Grow up and dump him. For Pete’s sake, you don’t need him any more.
You’re a United States Senator from New York. Act like it!