Politics Jokes

Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812?

A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

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At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" - applause. "O!" - more applause. "O!" - yet more applause. "O!" - an ovation. "O!!!" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that’s the Olympic rings, you don’t need to read it!"

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When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,… honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

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When is a pencil not a pencil? When it’s on a Pentagon shopping list - then it’s a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.

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It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.

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The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !

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"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s

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Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.

Said the first man "I’m going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me."

"That’s nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

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Dubya Quotes

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure."

…George W. Bush

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."

…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century."

…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change."

…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’."

…Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

…Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

…Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."

…Governor George W. Bush

"We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world."

…Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."

…Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made."

…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

…Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."

…Governor George W. Bush to reporters

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."

…Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

…Governor George W. Bush

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

…George W. Bush

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."

…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

…Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."

…Governor George W. Bush

"We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."

…Governor George W. Bush

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

…Governor George W. Bush

"[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

…Governor George W. Bush

#Politics Jokes

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there’s a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but… but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."

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A merger has been announced between the California Highway Patrol (CHiPs) and the California Fish and Game Department.

It will be called Fish and Chips.

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A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What’s so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky’s mauser…"

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Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.

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  • Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills.

  • The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on

nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

  • A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.

Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen

pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of

whiplash injuries and back pain.

  • A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days

later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed him, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

  • When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan, refused to

hand over cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

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This joke is kind of dated but it’s still funny.

Al Gore, Bill, Hilary, and Chelsea Clinton were all riding in the Airforce One. Out of the blue Gore says, "I could throw a hundred, one dollar bills out the window and make a hundred people happy." Bill says, "Well I could throw ten, ten dollar bills out the window, and make ten people very happy." Hilary, not wanting to be left out, says "Well I could throw one, one hundred dollar bill out the window and make one person extremely happy." Chelsea rolled her eyes and said "Well i could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole nation happy!"

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"The news of bin Laden’s death interrupted this week’s episode of ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Which begs the question, how do we kill bin Laden again next Sunday?" —Conan O’Brien

"The Republicans are so happy about bin Laden they’ve granted President Obama full citizenship." —David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden’s death has been in the news all day. Leftish stations are going, ‘President Obama saves the world.’ Stations on the right are going, ‘Obama kills fellow Muslim.'" —Craig Ferguson

"Apparently, members of Al Qaeda are online slamming the U.S. I don’t understand why the terrorists are so mad about Osama bin Laden’s death. Everybody in Al Qaeda just got a promotion." —Craig Ferguson

"How about those Navy Seals. We’re getting our money’s worth there. They broke into Osama bin Laden’s compound with 12-foot walls topped by barbed wire, and fired a warning shot into his head." —David Letterman

"Last night the Dalai Lama implied that the killing of Osama bin Laden was justified. I think his exact quote was, "I love all living things, but that guy was a dick." —Conan O’Brien

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Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess;

If a barber makes a mistake, it’s a new style…

If a driver makes a mistake, it is an accident…

If a politician makes a mistake, it is a new law…

If a scientist makes a mistake, it is a new invention…

If a tailor makes a mistake, it is a new fashion…

If a teacher makes a mistake, it is a new theory…

If our boss makes a mistake, it is our mistake…

If an employee makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE."

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A brother and sister are in a terrible car accident and the brother is badly injured.

At the hospital the doctor tells the sister, "His brain is dead, but his pulse is still beating."

The sister replies, "Oh no! We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before!"

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Actual Anti-War Slogans for the War on Iraq

These colors don’t run the world.

One nation under surveillance.

It’s the oil, stupid.

War is expensive, Peace is priceless.

Read between the Pipelines

No More BuSh.

Smart weapons, Dumb president.

The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.

How many Lives per Gallon?

Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!

Peace Takes Brains

Anything war can do, peace can do better.

Negotiation Not Annihilation.

Another patriot for peace.

How did our oil get under their sand?

Go Solar, not Ballistic.

Who Would Jesus Bomb?

Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.

Don’t blame me, I voted with the majority.

Buck Fush!

Resistance is Fertile.

(Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.

(UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.

(On a five year old) More Candy Less War.

Say can you see my democracy?

(With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.

Drop Bush, Not Bombs

Oh Say can You Cease?

Star Spangled Bummer

Don’t Arm a Son of a Bush

Don’t do it George, Dad will still love you.

Power to the Peaceful

The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years.

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Is anybody STILL ALIVE ON WOCKA??????

I KNOW THIS ISNT A JOKE BUT THIS WAY THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION!

HELLOOOO…. WAS THAT AN ECHO ECHO ECHO?

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Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn’t returned yet; we are told he liked it there."

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President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart," so the Wizard said, "So be it."

Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I’m unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain." The Wizard said, "So be it."

Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage." The Wizard granted this wish as well.

Yhen Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, "Well, what do you want?" to which Clinton replied, "I’m here for Dorothy!"

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A man is sitting on a bench in the park reading a newspaper. Suddenly he throws the paper onto the ground and yells, "All politicians are assholes."

A man sitting next to him in a finely pressed suit says, "I take offense to that!"

The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a politician?"

"No," he replies, "I’m an asshole."

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It’s a planet," replied God,

"and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What’s that one?"

"Ah," said God "That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, then said, "There is another Washington… wait until you see the idiots I put there!"

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In the GDR, at traffic hubs and in front of supermarkets there are "banana machines". You stick a banana in and five Ostmarks come out!

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Hw does Battery reproduce?

Bi pluging it into Boodler’s Giant ass!

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How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it.

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Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells something, suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts.

"No, Mr. President! I said, ‘Throw the first PITCH!'"

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Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, "Are you ready to order, sir?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I’d like a quickie."

"A quickie?!" the waitress replies with disgust. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don’t believe that’s a good idea. I’ll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU." She walks away.

Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Sir, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche’"

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Before his infamous haircut on the tarmac, Clinton asked his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?"

Christophe replied just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous. An hour and fifteen minutes later, Clinton looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed him a bill for $200.

Clinton gasped, "You took too long, it doesn’t look that great, and it is costing me ten times more than you said!"

Christophe replied, "That makes us even."

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Bill Clinton dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St.Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Bill replies, "I am Bill Clinton, and I was president of the United States!" St. Peter says, "Ok, I will take you to meet the Lord." So they go to meet the Lord, who says "Who are you and what have you done?" Clinton replies, "I am Bill Clinton and I was president of the U.S.A.!" The Lord then says, "Come Bill, sit on my right hand." Clinton then sits down to the right of the Lord, extremely happy.

Al Gore then dies and goes to the pearly gates, where St. Peter asks him who he is and what he did. Al replies much the same as Bill did, stating that he is Al Gore and was Vice-president of the US. St. Peter then takes him to meet the Lord, who offers Al the seat on his left side. Al accepts, and like Clinton, is ecstatic.

After a while, Hillary dies and gets to the gates. St. Peter asks who she is and what she did, to which she replies, "Hillary Rodham Clinton, wife of the president of the US." Peter then takes her in to meet the Lord who repeats the question, "Who are you and what have you done?" Hillary replies, "I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, and you are in my seat!"

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Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, "Earthquake!" The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, "I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall". He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, "Fire!"

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The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, ‘I have some good news and some bad news.’ They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, ‘The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs.’

‘And the bad news?’ they ask.

Aziz replies, ‘He’s lost an arm’.

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One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children… poor children."

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Seen on a bumper sticker:

"IF CLINTON IS THE ANSWER, THEN IT MUST BE A STUPID QUESTION."

Seen on another bumper sticker:

"CLINTON HAPPENS."

#Politics Jokes

Buck

Fush

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At last. A bumper sticker for both parties. FINALLY,

Someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. This hot selling bumper sticker comes from the great state of New York!

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

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Why aren’t dogs allowed in the White House?

They might pee on the Bush!

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