Math Jokes

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

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Chuck Norris knows the last number of infinity.

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Chuck Norris teaches math to solve its own problems.

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Count from one to ten.

That’s how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you… Forty seven times.

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Dear Maths, Please grow up now and solve you problems yourself.

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DEPT OF STATISTICS: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve. DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in.

The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind. DEPT OF HISTORY: All students get the same grade they got last year. DEPT OF RELIGION: Grade is determined by God. DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY: What is a grade? LAW SCHOOL: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A. DEPT OF MATHEMATICS: Grades are variable. DEPT OF LOGIC: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE: Random number generator determines grade. MUSIC DEPARTMENT: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively). DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION: Everybody gets an A.

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Did you hear about the mathematician with constipation ? He had to work it out with a pencil…

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Do you like maths? If so add a bed subtract your clothes divide your legs and we can multiply!

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First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

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George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".

Harry let’s out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.

George says, "I still can’t tell where we are, let’s ask that guy on the ground".

So Harry yells down at the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back "You’re in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air".

George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer".

And Harry says "How can you tell?".

George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless".

That’s the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".

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Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

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How does a cow do math? With a cowculator.

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How I see math word problems: If you have 4 pencils and 7 apples, how many pancakes will fit on the roof? Purple, because aliens don’t wear hats.

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How the children from Chernobil count from one to hundred? On the fingers!

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I got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one. Ok wait I got 66 problems.

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I love math - it makes people cry.

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I ordered a foot-long sandwich from a take-out restaurant and asked the clerk to cut it into fourths.

"I’m sorry, I can’t," she said. "I already cut it in half."

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I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.

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I used to think maths was useless, but then one day I realised that decimals had a point.

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I’ll admit that the Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart.

But doing it with their eyes closed… that’s a bit cocky.

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If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my math class: it would seem so much longer.

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“If you had a dollar,” quizzed the teacher, “and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?”

“One dollar.” answered little Johnny. “You don’t know your basic math.” said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, “You don’t know my daddy.”

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If you had a million dollars and gave away one quarter, and another quarter, and then another quarter, how much would you have left? A million dollars minus 75 cents.

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If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have? Plenty of milk.

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Infinity mathematicians came to bar.

First one ordered 1 glass of beer, second a half, third a quarter…

The barman interrupted them: "Assholes, here are 2 beers!"

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Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have? I would have five dollars… You don’t know your arithmetic, Johnny… You don’t know my father, Mrs. Mutch…

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Life is like a definite integral. Integral from birthday to death ( LOVE ) dx = LIFE

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Little Johnny in Math Class. One day little Johnny was sitting in math class.

The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?" Little Johnny replied "none." Confused the teacher asked again.

"Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?" Johnny replies "0." Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this." Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left." Teacher says "that’s not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking." Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor.

One is sucking the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?" The teacher replies, "I guess the one sucking the cone." Little Johnny says, "no bitch it’s the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."

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Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.”

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”

The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework.”

“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.

“Yes,” he answered. Infuriated, the called Little Johnny’s teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in class?”

The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”

The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four.”

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Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch!" Johnny shouted his mother "Watch your language! You’re not allowed to use the swearwords." But, Mom, replied the boy, "That’s what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."

Next day Johnny’s mother went right into the classroom to complain.

"Oh, heavens" said the teacher. "That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say, ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four."

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Little Johnny was in Maths class when his teacher asked him: "Johnny, if your Mother had to repay a loan of $100,000, and you gave her $50,000, what would she need to repay the loan?" Johnny replied, "To repay the loan? $50,000 more. To stay alive? CPR."

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you’re thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking."

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Little Johnny’s teacher asks him, "If I have 5 cookies, and I give you 2, how many cookies do I have left?" Little Johnny replies, "Zero, you’re giving me more than just 3 cookies. I’m taking all 5 baby!" The teacher just facepalms herself. "I can strongly suggest that you work on your math skills Johnny." the teacher suggests.

"Oh I know math, one man plus one girl, subtract a condom, equals a baby!" Little Johnny says.

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Math tells us three of the saddnest love stories: 1)Tangent lines who had one chance to meet and then parted forever. 2)Parallel lines who were never meant to meet. 3)Asymptotes who can get closer and closer but will never be together.

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Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs, and 50 percent imagination.

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Maths and Girls are the most complicated things, but Maths at least has some logic.

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Maths is like s*x… ADD the bed MINUS the clothes DIVIDE the legs and pray you don’t MULTIPLY.

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Old mathematicians never die - they just lose some of their functions.

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On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down "Violence" as every one of the answers.

He got an A+ on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with Violence.

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Once a teacher asked one of her students to memorize the numbers from 1-10. And that night when he was memorizing he saw his mother drinking 7up, so the next day the teacher asked the student to say the numbers that he memorized so he replied," 1-2-3-4-5-6-8-9-10".

The teacher was confused so she asked the student," Where is the 7" so he said," my mom drank it last night!"

#Math Jokes