Math Jokes

A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right. The statistician yells "We got ‘em!"

#Math Jokes

A blonde desserts her home town out of shame, and colors her hair brown.

She drives past a farm and sees all the sheep.

She goes up to the farmer and ask, “If I guess how many sheep you have can I have one?”

The farmer nodded. She continued. “159” The farmer is surprised. “How did you know?”

“Lucky guess” She grabs one and gets in her car.

The farmer comes up and says, “If I can guess your real hair color can I get my dog back?”

#Math Jokes

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

#Math Jokes

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

#Math Jokes

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rolls ashore.

The chemist and the physicist comes up with many ingenious ways to open the can.

Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: “Assume we have a can opener…”

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A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.

It says: “My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don’t bother waiting up for me.”

He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: “You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you’re not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I’m sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don’t YOU wait up for ME.”

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A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157." The farmer was amazed - she was right!

So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

#Math Jokes

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10.

See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”

“Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G.

See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!”

And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.

“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”

#Math Jokes

A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes were dumb.

They established a judges panel of people to ask the questions.

On the day of the judging the people started off by asking, “What is 59 + 2?”

The first blonde contestant responded by saying, “57?”

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

Then they asked, “What is 15 - 5?”

The blonde responded, “20, right?”

Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, “What is 1 + 2?” “Is it 3?” said the blonde.

The rest of the blondes said, “Give her another chance, give her another chance!”

#Math Jokes

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he’s lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:“Can you tell me where I am, and which way I’m headed?”

“Sure! You’re at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You’re at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you’re hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians” “Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?”

“I am! But how did you know?”

“Everything you’ve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me at all!”

“Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?”

“Geeze! How’d you know that?”

“You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

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A helium molecule walks in afterwards. The bellhop asks if he needs any help. Helium doesn’t react.

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A lawyer, an engineer and a mathematician were called in for a test. The engineer went in first and was asked, “What is 2+2?”

The engineer thought awhile and finally answered, “4.”

Then the mathemetician was called in and was asked the same question.

With little thought he replied, “4.0” Then the lawyer was called in, and was asked the same question.

The lawyer answered even quicker than the mathematician, “What do you want it to be?”

#Math Jokes

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said.

“All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

#Math Jokes

A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. His wife asks impatiently: "So, is it a boy or a girl" ? The logician replies: "yes".

#Math Jokes

A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn. He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat.

He could only take one across at a time.

He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn.

How did he get them all safely over the stream? He took the goose over first and came back.

Then he took the fox across and brought the goose back.

Next he took the corn over.

He came back alone and took the goose.

#Math Jokes

A math teacher asks a pupil, what are 3, 5, 7 and 11? The pupil thinks for a moment and then replies, “On 3 there is cartoon network, on 5 we have cartoon network, on 7 dad checks out news-bulletin and the channel that comes by pressing 11 on the remote is FTV, which my brother watches late at night.”

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A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in an experiment.

They were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked woman on a bed.

The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman.

The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off.

The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway.

The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don’t you see, you’ll never actually reach her?".

To which the engineer replied, "so what? Pretty soon I’ll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

#Math Jokes

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.

“How did you like it?” the mathematician wants to know after the talk. “My head’s spinning,” the engineer confesses.

“How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?”

“Well, it’s not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13.”

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A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

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A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean.

Starving to death they found a can of roastbeef.

They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it. Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: “Let’s suppose the can is opened….”

#Math Jokes

A soccer coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said: “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there.

So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks: “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered: “I think… no… yes… I’m not sure… what about 4?”

“Did you say 4?” the smiled coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming: “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

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A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says: "Here’s a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature. "What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist. The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks: "Do you have a pill for math?" The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back to the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plonks it on the counter. "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. The pharmacist replies, "Well you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

#Math Jokes

A statistician’s wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.

“Bring them to church on Sunday and we’ll baptize them,” said the minister. “No,” replied the statistician. “Baptize one. We’ll keep the other as a control.”

#Math Jokes

A teacher asked a student to write 55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. Teacher: What are you waiting for? Student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

#Math Jokes

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole.

It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: “Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!”

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An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.

The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, “How odd. Scottish sheep are black.”

“No, no, no!” says the physicist.

“Only some Scottish sheep are black.”

The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions’ muddled thinking and says, “In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here.”

#Math Jokes

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon.

After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.

They yell to a jogger, “Hey, can you tell us where we’re at?”

After a few moments the jogger responds, “You’re in a hot-air balloon.”

The engineer says, “You must be a mathematician.”

The jogger, shocked, responds, “yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?”

“Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless.”

#Math Jokes

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with “How much is two plus two?”

The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions.

Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research.

After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced “Four.”

The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions.

At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked “How much do you want it to be?”

#Math Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."

#Math Jokes

Billy: "I was playing basketball and an Asian crossed me." Mark: "Haha, how does an Asian cross you?" Billy: "Because he crosses multiplies."

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Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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Chuck Norris can convert kilograms into centimeters.

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Chuck Norris can count the number of corners in a circle.

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Chuck Norris can cross all Seven Bridges of Konigsberg, making all the current laws of Math, obsolete.

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Chuck Norris can divide prime numbers into whole numbers.

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Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

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Chuck Norris does infinit loops in 4 seconds.

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Chuck Norris doesn’t solve math - math solves Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris drew a triangle with four sides.

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Chuck Norris is the only person to know pi, because when he puts it into the calculator, the calculator doesn’t dare give him only part of it.

#Math Jokes