A hillbilly walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: “May I help you? " Hillbilly: “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces”. Attorney: “Well do you have any grounds? " Hillbilly: “Yea, I got about a hundred acres.” Attorney: “No, you dont understand, do you have a case? " Hillbilly: “No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere.” Attorney: “I mean, do you have a grudge? " Hillbilly: “Yea, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere.” Attorney: “No sir, I mean do you have a suit? " Hillbilly: “Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays.” Attorney: “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything? " Hillbilly: “No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning.” Attorney: “Well, is she a nagger or anything? !? !? !? " Hillbilly: “No shes a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger . Thats why I want this dayvorce.”
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who the hell was that? " “Oh,” replies the husband, “shes my mistress.” “Well, thats the last straw,” says the wife. “Ive had enough, I want a divorce.” “I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.” Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. “Whos that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. “Thats his mistress,” says her husband. “Ours is prettier,” she replies.
Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, “How much is that new Barbie in the window? " The Manager replied, “Which one? We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.” “Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95? !? “, Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, “Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture.”
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” “Pop, what are you talking about? " the son screams. “We cant stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says “Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell theyre getting divorced,” she shouts, “Ill take care of this.” She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced. Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back, and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME? " and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. “Okay,” he says, “theyre coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas? "
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.” The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, “I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.” Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there an ything you want? " The husband says, “No, Ive got everything I need right here.” She asks, “Whats that? " The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, “Ive got the airbag!”
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,“Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.““Because,” the man says,“I live in a two-story house.“The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house? “The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is I have a headache and the other story is Its that time of the month.
A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, “Judge, we want a divorce.” The judge says, “Youve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long? " The couple say in unison, “Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead.”
Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter “O.” “Whyd you put that circle down? " asked the clerk. “Cause Ah cant write,” replied the girl. “Why dont you sign with an X? " asked the man. “Ah used to,” she answered. “But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!”
The divorce court was attentive as the wealthy Yuppette complained tothe Judge that her husband had left her bed and board.When she had finished, the husbands lawyer rose to his feet andcoolly replied, “Your Honor, I have a slight correction in the typingof the charging documents. My client claims that he left her bedbored.”
Miss DeAngelo was a none-too-bright young woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of becoming a star. She didnt find fame or glory, but she did encounter plenty of men willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found herself called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the stand, the lawyer came forward. “Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the defendant has identified you as the other woman in her husbands life. Now, do you admit that you went to the Pricerite Motel with this Mr. Evans? ““Well, yes,” acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff, “but I couldnt help it.” “Couldnt help it? " asked the lawyer derisively. “Hows that? " “Mr. Evans deceived me.” “Exactly what do you mean? ““See, when we signed in,” she explained, “he told the motel clerk I was his wife.”