An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “Im sorry,” The girl tells him. “We cant allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, dont worry about it…youve seen one, youve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this ones eating my POPCORN!!”
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, “If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do? “The second Marine said, “I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do? “The first Marine replied, “I would stand very still for half an hour.”
This women had a magic morror from which anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up stairs and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off !
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder”
Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery” Again, there is a round of approving looks.
This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for” The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”
“Ok then. I’m in for screwing dogs.” Everyone is disgusted! They all shout “What? ? !! How LOW can you get!”
“Well…I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little”, Luke replies.
What not to say during sex.
- But everybody looks funny naked!
- You woke me up for that?
- Did I mention the video camera?
- Do you smell something burning?
- (In a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
- Try breathing through your nose.
- A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
- Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
- Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
- But whipped cream makes me break out.
- Your mother’s better than you.
- Say, for the last time, what’s your name again?
- I haven’t done this with an actual human before.
- So, how much is this gonna cost?
- Do you take Visa?
The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.“Private,” the officer said, “Im recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.““Warehouses? " the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”