Dirty Jokes

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.

Why is Viagra like Disneyworld?

You have to wait an hour for a three minute ride

Did u know that a condom had a serial number?

No, I never had to unroll one that far.

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany.When she said yes the doctor said"Well tell him his ear rings arent real gold!!!”

An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, “Well, my pet chicken, of course!” “Im sorry,” The girl tells him. “We cant allow animals in the cinema.” The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers, “Agnes, this man over here has just unzipped his trousers!” Agnes whispers back, “Oh, dont worry about it…youve seen one, youve seen them all.” Madge says, “I KNOW…but this ones eating my POPCORN!!”

Q: IS IT SEXUAL HARASMENT IF YOU GO TO A WOMAN AND TELL HER, HER HAIR SMELLS NICE?

A: WHAT IF THE MAN IS A DWARF?

Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, “If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do? “The second Marine said, “I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do? “The first Marine replied, “I would stand very still for half an hour.”

Whats the speed limit of sex?

68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh, well hes back in town and wants your new number.

How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?

Phone her.

Q. what did the sign on the whore house say?

A: Beat it we are closed

This women had a magic morror from which anything you wanted you got,so one day she stood in front of the mirror and said I wish i had bigger breasts and it happened so then she ran down stairs to show her husband he was so amazed that he ran up stairs and stood infront of the mirror and said i wish my dick could touch the floor and his legs fell off !

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Whats the ultimate rejection?

When youre masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says “My name is Daniel and I’m in for murder”

Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing. The next guy stands up and says “My name is Mike and I’m in for armed robbery” Again, there is a round of approving looks.

This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says “My name is Luke, but I’m not telling you what I’m in for” The group leader says “Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did.”

“Ok then. I’m in for screwing dogs.” Everyone is disgusted! They all shout “What? ? !! How LOW can you get!”

“Well…I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to lift her back legs up a little”, Luke replies.

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

The swallow.

What not to say during sex.

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Your mother’s better than you.
12. Say, for the last time, what’s your name again?
13. I haven’t done this with an actual human before.
14. So, how much is this gonna cost?
15. Do you take Visa?

Whats the difference between premenstrual tension and BSE?

Ones mad cow disease, the others an agricultural problem.

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.“Private,” the officer said, “Im recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.““Warehouses? " the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!”

Why did God create women?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Q: What is it that all men have one of; its longer on some men than on others; the Pope doesnt use his; and a man gives it to his wife after theyre married?

A: surname

Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?

She knows shes given her last blow job.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What is the definition of making love?

Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.