Death And Funeral Jokes

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?

Pete.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Why do you want to be buried at sea?

Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Doctor, doctor, I feel dead from the waist down. Ill arrange for you to be halfburied.

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There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night.

The first one says, “What a day I had today. The guy wasn’t wearing his seat belt and his head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural.”

Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, “You think that’s bad? I had this guy in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO days to put all the pieces back together!”

The third mortician just shook his head. “You guys have it easy,” he said. “I had this female parachutist whose chute didn’t open. She landed on a flagpole and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!”

#Death And Funeral Jokes

What do you find in a zombies veins?

Dead blood corpuscles.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Did you hear about the man who left his job at the mortuary?

It was a dead end job.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Whats a zombies favorite pop song?

Dead sails in the sunset.

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Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?

#Death And Funeral Jokes

First ghoul: You dont look too well today.

Second ghoul: No, Im dead on my feet.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?

Girl: One - the dead one!

#Death And Funeral Jokes

What lies on the ground 100 feet up in the air and smells?

A dead centipede.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Where do ghosts go for their holidays?

The Dead Sea.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral?

They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

What has four legs, a tail, whiskers and flies?

A dead cat.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Whats the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee?

Ones a seedy beast and the others a deceased bee.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car? Because he was a car-case.

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Did you hear about the two men who were cremated at the same time?

It was a dead heat.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gatheredaround him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, “Thats it, one last timebefore I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.“Sams wife looked at him sadly and said, “Sorry Sam, its for after.”

#Death And Funeral Jokes

What is the difference between a musician and a dead body?

One composes and the other decomposes.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

If a man was born in England, raised in America and died in Spain, what does that make him?

Dead.

#Death And Funeral Jokes

Waiter, waiter! Theres a dead fly in my soup. Oh no! Whos going to look after his family?

#Death And Funeral Jokes