Computer Jokes

This customer comes into the computer store. “Im looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.” “Well,” replied the clerk, “Have you tried Windows 98? "

I overheard a woman in a computer store say to the sales assistant “I want a game capable of holding the interest of my six-year-old, but its got to be simple enough for his father to play, too.”

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.“The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “Id like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.“The genie responded, “Gee, I dont know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.“The programmer then said, “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"Genie: “Uh, let me see that map again.”

Q: Which way did the programmer go?

A: He went DATA way!

What do computers eat when they get hungry?

Chips.

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: “Did you check to see whether the power was on? " “Of course.” DED: “Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping? " “Of course.” DED: Then why are you calling me? " “Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty,” pleaded the frustrated purchaser. “Of course there is,” replied the DED, “But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover.“There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.We dont believe this to be a coincidence.

If Bill Gates had a dime for every time a Windows box crashed…Oh, wait a minute, he already does.

Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering ?

A. The spider – It has its own website.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures – all kinds of bells and whistles.God asked Satan wha t he had created, but Satan said, “Ive got nothing, absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program? “God replied, “Everybody knows – Jesus Saves.”

My computer made a funny sound the other day.Of course, Ive never heard it get thrown out a window before.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking Im a computer.My goodness, youd better come to my surgery right away!I cant, my power cable wont reach that far.

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking Im a laptop computer.Youre just run down, let me give you some vitamins.No, thanks. But I could do with some new batteries.

Redmond, WA –Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system “Windows 2000” will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to ask “What is the registration number of the light bulb? “, one to ask “Have you tried rebooting it? “, another to ask “Have you tried reinstalling it? " and the last one to say “It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine…”

You have just received the “Kentucky Virus”!!!As we aint got no programin experience, this here Virus works on the honor system.Please delete all the files on your hard drive, and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.Thanks for your cooperation.

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

Whats the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?

A virus does something.

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message. “Due to lack of maintenance,” he read, “we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.”

Dear Boss,I hope I havent misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me.At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

West Virginia Virus

You have just got the “West Virginia Virus”. As we ain’t got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive, right now, and mail this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Sorry about the cost of stamps…

Thanks fer yer cooperation…

University of West Virginia
Computer Engineering Department

Dear God: Yesterday was an awful day for me…My husband ran off with his secretary,My son pierced his eyebrow,My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,My dog mated with the neighbors cat,My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,My Mom told me I was adopted,My Dad told me hes gay,My boss told me I was laid off,My sister was arrested for prostitution,My house has termites,My car was stolen,All that came in the mail was bills,A plane, crash landed on my garage,OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,And my TV blew.Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please….DONT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!!AMENA programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.So, he pushes 1, then he pushes 2, and starts looking for the Enter….

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.

Q: How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, thats a hardware problem.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!“He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house?

A. He uses “windows”.

Young Judy, the editor of a trivia publication, was having trouble with her computer. So she called Prem, the computer guy, over to her desk. Prem clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.As he was walking away, Judy called after him, “So, what was wrong? “And he replied, “It was an ID ten T error.“A puzzled expression ran riot over Judys face. “An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again? ? “He gave her a grin… ;-)“Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? ““No,” replied Judy.“Write it down,” he said, “and I think youll figure it out."(She wrote…)I D 1 0 T

Yeltsin, Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner he told them: I need three important people to send my message out to all the people: “Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.“Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them: “I have two really bad news items for you:1) God really exists and2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth.“Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress and told them: “I have good news and bad news:1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth.” Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced: “I have two fantastic announcements:1) I am one of the three most important people on earth2) The Year 2000 problem is solved.”