Clinton Jokes

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit afortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room,peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.“Theres no easy way to say this, so Ill just be blunt: Prepareyourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent andhorrible death this year.“Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the womans lined face, then atthe single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took afew deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. Shemet the fortune tellers gaze, steadied her voice, and asked herquestion:“Will I be acquitted? "

Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument, whod land first?

A: Who cares!

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?

A: Heredity.

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.As they read the menu the waitress comes over and askes Clinton,“Are you ready to order? “Clinton replies, “Yes, Id like a quickie.““A quickie? !? " the waitress replies. “Sir, given the currentsituation of your personal life I dont think that is a good idea.Ill come back when you are ready to order from the menu.“She walks away.Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “Its pronounced Quiche.”

Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?

A: By the wise look in the eyes.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?

A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.

Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?

A: Hes got his jogging suit on.

Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?

A: Neither one is very bright.

Q: Whats the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesnt carry a briefcase.

Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?

A: If his lips are moving, then hes lying.

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?

A: Trying to save both faces.

Q: If Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat capsized, who would be saved?

A: The United States of America!

Q: What were Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?

A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to ruin the people!

Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, “Bill, I had awonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautifulcountry, and on each house I saw a banner.““What did it say on the banners? " Clinton asks.Saddam replies, “Allah is god, god is Allah.“Clinton says, “You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner.““What could you see on the banners? " Saddam asks.Clinton replies, “I dont know. I cant read Hebrew.”

A bus filled with politicians was driving through thecountryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver,caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control andcrashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash andrushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicianshe buries them.The next day, the police come to the farm to question theman. “So you buried all the politicians? " asked the policeofficer. “Were they all dead? “The farmer answered, “Some said they werent, but youknow how politicians lie.”

Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?

A: Runs away from the draft.

Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?

A: A dead girlfriend.

Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?

A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

Q: Whats Clintons favorite baseball team?

A: The Dodgers.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to improving jails?

A: Because when his term is through, he wont be going to school.

Q: Why is Bill Clintons economic plan called positively atheist?

A: Because it hasnt got a prayer.

Q: Did you hear that the Clintons had Air Force 1 remodeled?

A: Now its got two left wings.

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?

A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

Q: Why is Bill Clinton called “middle of the road Democrat”?

A: Because hes got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.