Car And Train Jokes

What your cars says about you.

Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people’s reactions when I tell them I have a ‘Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I’m in a mid-life crisis.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA’s Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife

#Car And Train Jokes

What happens when a frogs car breaks down?

It gets toad away..

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You know all that talk about backseat driving? Well, Ive been driving all my life and can safely say that Ive never heard a word from the back seat. What kind of car do you drive? A hearse!

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My dad is stupid. He thinks a fjord is a Norwegian motor car.

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On Freds 17th birthday, his Dad said hed take him out for his first driving lesson. As they got in the car, the father said, “Just one thing, Fred. If youre going to hit anything, make sure its cheap.”

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Why did the car judder to a stop when it saw a ghost?

It had a nervous breakdown.

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What should a teacher take if hes run down?

The number of the car that hit him.

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What is an autograph?

A chart which shows car sales.

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What sort of a car has your dad got?

I cant remember the name. I think it starts with T. Really - Ours only starts with gas.

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since hes in need of petrol, the man decides to stop. He says to the attendant at the station, “Fill it up, will you? “. The man says “Sorry - were right out of petrol.” So the man considers, and says “Well, Im a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up? " And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either.” The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he cant do that. The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant “Just what kind of petrol station is this ? " The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man “To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front.” The man then says “Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !”

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wifes voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!” “Hell,” said Herman, “Its not just one car. Its hundreds of them!”

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Identifying where a driver is from by their driving style.
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago.
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York.
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap: Los Angeles.
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game: Seattle.
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: Texas.
10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia.
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.

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If you watch the way that many motorists drive you will soon reach the conclusion that the most dangerous part of a car is the nut behind the wheel.

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Two wizards in a car were driving along and the police were chasing them for speeding. One said, “What are we going to do? " The other replied, “Quick, turn the car into a side street.”

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What car do insects drive?

A Volkswagen automobile.

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A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. “They shouldnt put up such misleading notices,” said the man. “It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE.”

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Learner driver: What happens when everythings coming your way?

Instructor: Youre in the wrong lane.

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One day there was a family driving in the car to Michigan to visit their relatives. They were looking for the street they had to turn on to get to their relatives house. They accedently turned on the wrong street so they had to pull in a driveway and turn around. When they pulled into the driveway the girl asked her mother “Why dont these people have electricity? " Very confused the mother said, “Wut are u talking about? " The girl quickly replied, “Well, the sign back there said NO OUTLET!”

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What is an autobiography?

The life story of an automobile.

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“Take the wheel, Harry!” said the nervous lady driver.

“Theres a tree coming straight for us!”

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What is the meaning of afford?

Its the car most sales representatives drive.

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A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room. “How did you manage to do that? " he fumed. “Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!”

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My sisters a really bad driver. What makes you say that?

Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who shes run over.

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