Business Jokes

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you dont think you can solve,” he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press – and Wall Street – responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product pro blems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, “Prepare three envelopes.”

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When the office photo-copies began to look faint, the office manager called in a local repair service. The friendly technician after inspecting the equipment, informed the manager that the machine was in need of a good cleaning. The tech suggested that someone might try reading the operators manual and perform the job themselves, since it would cost $100.00, if he did the work. Pleasantly surprised by his candor, the office manager asks, “Does your boss know you are discouraging business? " “Actually, my boss demands we explain this to all our customers”. “After people try first to fix things themselves, we end-up making much more money on repairs”

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One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attemptsto earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, assoon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him anddrags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoos mostpopular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and thekeeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. Heoffers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until theycan get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit andenters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its agreat job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun ofpeople and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires ofjust swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying moreattention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting tolose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top ofhis cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the topto the lions cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keepercomes and gives the mime a raise for being such a goodattraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps tauntingthe lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps goingup. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over thefurious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. Thelion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and roundthe cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime startsscreaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quickand pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up atthe angry lion and the lion says, " Shut up you idiot! Do youwant to get us both fired? "

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The Americans and Japanese decided to engage in a boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance levels. On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.The American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.The consultants finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering: the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consultant firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team. So as race day neared again the following year, the Americans team management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers, and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive. The next year, the Japanese won by TWO miles!Humiliated, the American corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

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Resolving to surprise her husband, an executives wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

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American businessman was at a pier in a small coastalMexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fintuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality ofhis fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer andcatch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familysimmediate needs. The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest ofhis time. The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little,play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine andplay guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,senor.” The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could helpyou. You should spend more time fis hing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from thebigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling yourcatch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You wouldcontrol the product, processing and distribution. “You would need to leave this small coastal fishing villageand move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where youwill run your expanding enterprise.” The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will thisall take? " To which the American replied, “15-20 years.” “But what then, senor? " asked the Mexican. The American laughed, and said, “Thats the best part! Whenthe time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. Youll become very rich, youwould make millions!” “Millions, senor? " replied t he Mexican. “Then what? " The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a smallcoastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish alittle, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sipwine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, sohe asked his secretary for some mathematical help. “If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much wouldyou take off? " he asked her. The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

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A young executive was leaving the office late one evening, when he finds the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me? " “Certainly,” the young executive says. He turns the machine on, inserts the paper, and presses the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” says the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

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The farmer goes to town one day and happens to run into his old pal the tractor salesman.“Hows business? " asks the farmer. “Not very good, I havent sold a tractor in months, How are things on the farm? " asked the salesman.“Well– The other day I went out to the barn to milk that old cow I have. I started milking and she swatted me with her tail, so I tied her tail to the ceiling. I started milking again and she kicked me with her left leg so I tied that to the left side of the stall. I started milking again and she kicked me with her right leg so I tied that one to the right side of the stall. About that time my wife walked in the barn, and if you can convince her that I was just trying to milk that damn cow,Ill buy a tractor from you!!”

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A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel has died of thirst. Hes crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an ash tray from an old car. He opens it and out pops a genie…. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a polka dot bow tie and a plaid sport coat. Theres a dog-eared little book in the breast pocket with a blue cover. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. “Well, kid,” says the genie. “You know how it works. You have three wishes.” “Im not falling for this.” says the man. “Im not going to trust a used car salesman!” “What do you have to lose? Youve got no transportation, and it looks like youre a goner anyway! " The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. “OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.” POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. “OK, kid, whats your second wish.” “My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.” POOF The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. “OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!” After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: “I wish that no matter where I go a beautiful woman will want and need me.” POOF Hes turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If a used car salesman offers you anything at no cost, theres going to be a string attached s omewhere!

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URGENT NOTICE:
The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

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There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.The first beggar wrote “Beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

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When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But its a decent town and nobody really bothers him. One day the teacher asks the class “Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why? " And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said “whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars”. All of the kids called out their guesses. One said “George Washington - because he was the father of our country.” “Thats excellent” said the teacher. Another said “Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves.” “Thats also good” said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite. One little girl said “Joan of Arc - because she saved France.” Another excellent choice said the teacher. Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand. nSo the teacher called on him. “Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why? " And Abraham said “Jesus Christ.” The teacher was shocked. “Abraham,” she said “Im very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars.” And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money. At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus. Abraham said “Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but… business is business!”

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An organization is like a tree full of monkeys… all on different limbs,… at different levels,… some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full ofsmiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing butassholes.

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A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.The employer read all his applications and said, “We have an opening for people like you.““Oh, great,” he said, “What is it? ““Its called the door!”

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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help? " a secretary asked. “Yes,” he replied. “How does this thing work? " “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out? "

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A new business was opening and one of the owners friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”. The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was ,the florist said. “Sir, Im really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

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A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move said the broker, its only $1 a share.” “Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.” The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.” “Great!” said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!” The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

#Business Jokes

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executives wife stops by his office. As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap. Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter… “And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.

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This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, “Im a walking economy.” The friend replies “How so? " “My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a wantad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a verynervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.“I need someone with an accounting degree,” the man said. “Butmainly, Im looking for someone to do my worrying for me.““Excuse me? " the accountant said.“I worry about a lot of things,” the man said. “But I dont want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.““I see,” the accountant said. “And how much does the job pay? ““Ill start you at eighty thousand.““Eighty thousand dollars!” the accountant exclaimed. “How can such asmall business afford a sum like that? ““That,” the owner said, “is your first worry.”

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