Blonde Jokes

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing.

“Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.”

“I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first joke.”

Posted in Blonde jokes

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? " The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community,” she continued, “and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large… all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, “You stay out of this, mister, I’m talking to that little dummy on your knee!”

Q: What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer?

A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.

One day, a blondes neighbor goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened. The blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left. The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying this time. I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

Q: What is a blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Shes trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What kinds of people dont get invited to blonde parties?

A: Women!

Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

A blonde woman complained of a purple discharge from her vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm that her doctor had recently given her. “I followed all the instructions to the letter,” she told her doctor, “and used it with the jelly.”

When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied “Grape.”

Have you heard my knock-knock joke? asked the blonde. No, said the brunette. Okay, said the blonde, you start.

I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts…. she gave me change!

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employees well being, asks sympathetically, “Whats the matter? " The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.” “Im terribly sorry to hear that. Why dont you go home for the day… we arent terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.” The blonde very calmly explains, “No, Id be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.” The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help? " “No,” re plies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, “Where did you get that? “The pig replied, “I won her in a raffle!”

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, “I don’t have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!”

The man arched an eyebrow. “Anything? "

“Yes, anything” the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, “Follow me” He walked into the next room and ordered, “Come in and close the door” She did. He then said, “Get on your knees” She did.

Then he said, “Take down my zipper” She did.

He said, “Go ahead…take it out” She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, “Well… go ahead!”

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly “HELLO…..MOM? ? ?

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. Where have you been? asked the man. I cant believe you left me down there! I couldnt get the tailgate open!

Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?

A: Silicone chips.

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys. The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, “All right, whos the other father!? !”

Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?

A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.

Q: Why do brunettes know so many blonde jokes?

A: Gives em something to do on Saturday night!

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.She showed him the instructions on the tin, “For best results, put on two coats”.

Q: How do you electrocute a blonde?

A: Tell her to demonstrate the proper usage of an electric chair.

Q: What do a blonde and a car have in common?

A: They can both drive you crazy.

A brunette walks into a bar and says, “Gimme an M L.” The bartender says, “Whats an M L? " The brunette says, “A Miller Light.” Another brunette walks in and says, “Gimme a B L” The bartender says, “Whats a B L? " She says, “Bud Light.” A dumb blonde walks in and says, “Gimme a 15.” The bartender says, “Whats a fifteen? " The blonde says, “7&7, duh!”

Q: Why did the blond quit his restroom attendant job?

A: He couldnt figure out how to refill the hand dryer!

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a lake. One blonde yells to the other, “How do you get to the other side? " “You are on the other side,” the other blonde yells back.

What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but never see any!

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel a hundred yards ahead, and she sighs. “Here we go again.”

The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. “Six please” she said, “I could never eat twelve!”

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant!