Birthday Jokes

A man who forgets his wifes birthday is certain to get something to remember her by.

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Dad bought Mum a bone-china tea set for her birthday. How lovely!Yes, but he only did it so as not to have to do the washing-up. Mums too frightened hell break it!

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It was Grandpa Jones 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.He explained “I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. Ive been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years.““How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime? " we asked.“Its simple” he said. “When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk.”

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Ive been shopping for my wifes birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didnt you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

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What did one candle say to the other? “Dont birthdays burn you up? "

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Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer? Because you said it was pound cake!

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What did the birthday balloon say to the pin? “Hi, Buster.”

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A St. Louis mother telephoned the capital building over in Jefferson City and asked to speak to the game warden. After being switched from office to office, a voice finally said, “Hello.” “Are you the game warden? " she asked. “Yes.” “Finally Ahve got the right person!” she said. “Could yawl gimme some help with my sons birthday party? "

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Joe was sitting at a bar. He was totally depressed. The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.“Ill never understand women” said Joe. “The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.““Wow! Thats quite some gift” said the bartender. “So why are you so dejected? ““Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she wont even speak to me!”

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What is your favourite type of birthday present? Another present!

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Home - A - Age Jokes"Thats an excellent essay for someone your age,” said the English teacher. “How about for someone my Mums age, Miss? " “Welcome to school, Simon,” said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. “How old are you? " “Im not old,” said Simon. “Im nearly new.“Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. “How old are you, maam? " asked Fred. “Im not going to tell you that,” she replied. “But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were.” “Oh well,” said Miss Jones. “Im the same age as both of them.” The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. “Now remember, boys and girls,” said the science teacher, “you can tell a trees age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year.” Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. “Im not eating that, Mum!” she said. “Its five years old.” Grandma: Youve left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty.From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.`Thats right, said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I havent an enemy in the world. Theyre all dead.`Well, sir, said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I cant see why you shouldnt. You look fit and healthy to me!

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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday? “She said, “Id love to be ten again.“On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again? “One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

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Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief for your birthday. Betty: That was a kind thought. But why didnt you? Fred: I couldnt find one big enough for your nose.

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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks,“Ill buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.“Well, you can imagine her disappointment.The next year, her birthday rolls around again and thistime he doesnt get her anything.She says, “Why didnt you get me a birthday present!? “He replies, “You didnt use what I got you last year!”

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First boy: Are you having a party for your birthday? Second boy: No, Im having a witch do. First boy: Whats a witch do? Second boy: She flies around on a broomstick casting spells.

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Fred: Do you like the dictionary I bought you for your birthday? Harry: Sure. Its a great present but I just cant find the words to thank you enough.

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What did the burglar give his wife for her birthday? A stole.

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Why couldnt prehistoric man send birthday cards?

The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

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Will you come to my party on Saturday? Yes, please, Whats the address? 25 The High Street. Just push the bell with your elbow. Why with my elbow? Well, you wont be empty-handed, will you!

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How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? He has a whale of a party!

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Why did Davy Crockett always wear a coonskin cap?

It was a birthday present from his wife!

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BoyFriend: Why didnt you give me anything for my birthday? GirlFriend: You told me to surprise you.

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“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing Happy Birthday.”

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Johnny was racing around the garden on his new bicycle and called out to his mother to watch his tricks. Look, Mum! No hands! Look, Mum! No feet! Waaah! Look, Mum! No teeth!

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“Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.I told my computer that today is my birthday,and it said that I needed an upgrade.”

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