Biologist Jokes

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc.The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got. Finally, he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professors desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs? " With that the student threw his test on the professors desk an d walked out the door.The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didnt know every students name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, “Mister, whats your name? “The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, “You guess, buddy! You guess!”

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, “How was I born? ““Well honey…” said the slightly prudish mother, “the stork brought you to us.““Oh,” said the boy, “and how did you and daddy get born? ““Oh, the stork brought us too.““Well how were grandpa and grandma born? " the boy persisted.“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mother, by now starting to squirm a little.Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasnt been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations.”

“A bloke walks into a pub, and asks for a pint of Adenosinetriphosphate.The barman says “Thatll be 80p [ATP]!”

How do you eat a DNA spaghetti? With a replication fork (you can also use your zinc fingers…)

A wildlife biologist is working in the woods, miles from the nearest town. Hes camped alone with his dog and cat as his companions. Suddenly, an old gentleman carrying a small limp dog, franticly runs into his camp. “Please, please help me! I think something has happened to Willie. Our Winnebago is parked just around the bend and weve seen you camped here. We didnt know what to do. We thought of you because we had seen all this scientific equipment laying around here. Can you help him? "” Sir, Im not a vet, Im a wildlife biologist,” the young biologist told the worried man.“Can you please just have a look at him, Ill pay you anything you need. I just need to know. If hes still alive, maybe I can rush him into town.““Ok, put him here on the table.” The young biologist looks the limp dog over, but its plain that the dog is dead,, no pulse or signs of breathing.“Im sorry sir, but Im afraid poor Willie is dead.” “No, I cant believe that….. It cant be true…are you sure? ““Yes, Im quite sure.““I just cant believe that….With all this equipment, isnt there something you can do? I must be absolutely sure.“The biologist called his big yellow cat over to the table. The cat walked around the dead dog, occasionally sniffing at the carcass. He then looks up at the biologist and let out a few weak meows.“Well, the cat say hes dead. Does that assure you? ““No, I need more than that…Do you have anything else? “The biologist calls over his big black dog. The dog circles the body a few times, sniffing it every now and then. After a few moments, the dog barks at the biologist.“Well, now the dog says hes dead. Thats all I can do for you sir.““OK, well I guess its true. Ill take him back and bury him…How much do I owe you? ““Itll be $650 bucks.” The biologist tells the old man.“What? ? “, replied the old man, “How can you charge that much? ? !!““Well sir, I could have told you he was dead for only a dollar, but youre the one that insisted on the cat scan and the lab tests!”

There were these two Engineers who decided they would go moose hunting in the backwoods of British Columbia. As it happened, they lucked out and got a moose. Unfortunately, they were about a mile from their truck. They were having a tough time dragging the animal by the hind legs when a Wildlife Biologist happened upon them.He said, “You know, the hair follicles on a moose have a grain to themthat causes the hair to lie toward the back. The way you are dragging thatmoose, it increases your coefficient of friction by a huge margin. If yougrab it by the antlers and pull, you will find the work required to be quiteminimal.” The Engineers thanked him and started dragging the moose by the antlers. After about an hour, one Engineer said, “I cant believe how easy it is to move this moose this way. I sure am glad we ran across that Biologist.““Yeah.", said the other. “But we re getting further and further away from our truck.”

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologists wife, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you dont do the following, your husband will surely die.” “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Dont discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise…….well… Hell probably die"On the way home, the husband asked his wife. “What did the doctor say? " she replied. “Honey…..he says youre probably going to die.”

A logger is driving down the highway and sees two botanists trying to measure the height of a small pine tree. Their tape measure is not long enough so one botanist stands on the shoulders of the other and attempts to extend the tape to the tree top but it is not long enough. While trying, he falls to the ground. They attempt this about five times and each time the top botanist falls. The logger is laughing but feels sorry for the pair, gets out of his truck, takes out an electric saw and cuts down the tree. The botanists are looking at him like he is crazy. He then takes a tape measure and measures the tree. “OK guys, the tree is 14 6.” He then gets in his truck and drives away. The two botanists are stunned and speechless. Finally one says to the other ,“How do you like that, we are trying to measure the height of the tree and that stupid jerk measures the width.”

A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, “Jump, frog, jump!“The frog jumped across the room.The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, “Frog with four legs jumped eight feet.“Then he cut the frogs front legs off. Again he ordered, “Jump, frog, jump!“The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with two legs jumped three feet.“Next, the biologist cut off the frogs back legs. Once more, he shouted, “Jump, frog, jump!“The frog just lay there.“Jump, frog, jump!” the biologist repeated.Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, “Frog with no legs - lost its hearing.”

Ben was assigned a new wildlife technician and she was driving him crazy. She was blonde and pretty and insisted on carrying beauty products in a little field bag - nail polish, hair care products, gels, creams and so on. One day they were driving the rugged four-wheel drive down a dirt road when a big rabbit ran in front of them and was hit by the truck. Ben pulls over and walks back to the dead rabbit. He felt terrible, but there was clearly nothing he could do for the dead creature. His blonde partner pipes in and yells, “Waite, I have just the thing!“She races back to the truck and begins to rifle through her beauty products. Ben watches as brushes and combs fly from the bag. Finally she races back with an aerosol can and sprays the dead rabbit with its contents. Immediately the rabbit springs to its feet, waves goodbye, hops a few feet, pauses and waves again. The rabbit repe ats this strange behavior…wave-hop-wave-hop, until it disappears over the hill.Ben is amazed and asks, “What in the world is in that can? “The blonde biologists says, " Duh…look at the label"You guessed it…. “Hair Spray …. Immediately revives dead hair and creates a permanent wave”

Garvin the mammalogist, was in Alaska studying polar bear. In sub-zero weather, he would spend 7 days out on the ice. But, after his 7 days in the field, he would return to the small town and spend a day or two resting up and drinking in the only bar in town. On one particular day it was 40 below zero and Garvin made his way into the bar. He asked Bud, the bartender, for a whiskey. “I dont know, Garvin, you sure have run-up a big bill in here.” The bartender told him.” I know,” Garvin replied, “But Im flat broke, and I sure could use a drink.“OK,” The barkeep told him, “Ill just write your tab down on the piece of paper and pin it up here by the coat rack.““Oh no, dont do that, I dont want everyone in town to see it.“Dont worry,” The bartender replied, “Im going to cover it up with your parka until its paid!”

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

Dan had been studying whales for over 20 years and had made some thrilling breakthroughs regarding their communication. He had managed to decode many of their underwater sounds and to translate them into English. His latest research had proved that they can communicate over a distance of 300 miles. When asked what could they possibly have to say at such distances he replied, “As best as we can figure, it is something like - Hey, can you hear me now?

An 8th grade boy was doing some research for his career report at school. He asks his dad, “Father, how many wildlife biologists work for the Federal Government? ““The honest father replies, “Oh, I would say at least half of em.”

Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist.

A biologist from the North Pole was showing a new recruit the ropes of a polar bear radio tracking program. The new recruit said, “I know how the transmitters work, but I have one question–how do you catch the polar bears in the first place? " “I bet you use high-powered tranquilizer dart guns, right? ““Oh no!” the experienced biologist replied, “we use an ancient Eskimo technique, developed centuries ago. First, we dig a huge hole in the ice. Next, we place a circle of green peas all the way around the hole. Then, we go hide behind some ice blocks and wait. Finally, when a polar bear comes up to take a pea, we kick him in the ice-hole !!!”

A couple of biologists had twins.One they called John and the other control.

A University had advertised for two biologists to help in their mammalogy department, specifically with a group of captive grizzly bears. They had only two applicants - a beautiful young women biologist and an older male biologist.The mammalogist in charge of the project knew that not everyone can handle working with such fierce creatures so he decided to test their skills with the bears. The two hopefuls followed him out to the bear pen. He first asked the young women to show him what she could do. She entered the cage, stripped down to her bikini, and the largest bear walked up and nuzzled her bare legs. The astonished mammalogist then said to the old man, “Can you do that? " “Youre darn right I can,” said the old man, “just get that bear out of there first !”

A wildlife biologist crew leader has several crews, each consisting of two biologists. The crews camped and worked in the woods and he made his rounds to visit each pair every few days. One particular crew, Sarah and Jim, were not getting nearly as much work accomplished as the others, so he suspected that they might be up to some funny business. The following day, he paid them a visit.“Is anything funny going on here”? he asked.“What do you mean by that? " the pair asked back.“I mean, youre not getting much fieldwork done. Are you two, you know, maybe doing something youre not supposed to do? ““Absolutely not!” the Jim replied. " We are strictly co-workers"“Oh yes,” the Sarah replied, " We hike all day, record our data, return back, and fall asleep exhausted.“Thats right!” Jim replied, “and me in my tent, and she in hers!“The crew supervisor spent the remainder of the day in th e field with the pair. He left the field early, returned to camp, retrieved his Jeep and left the area.The following day, the biologist pair had lost their $1000 GPS unit. They searched high and low, but could not find it. It had simply disappeared from their camp. After a few frantic days, they suspected that the crew leader had taken it. It was the only plausible explanation. That evening, they called him on the 2-way radio, and politely asked weather he may have inadvertently taken the unit.“As a matter of fact, I did take it the day I came up to see if you two were sleeping together. After realizing I had accidentally taken it with me from the field, I placed it in Sarahs sleeping bag where she would be sure to find it!”

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.“The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party? ““No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock island just off the coast. While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law enforcement refuses to investigate.On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the trees.The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned.

A young biologist was sitting on a stump at the edge of their camp. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. One of the other biologists saw his sad looks and asked, “Whats the matter? “The young biologist said, “They put me in the same tent with old Doctor Perkins. He snores all night, takes a bath once a month, and talks non-stop about back when he studied passenger pigeons. Hes so damn old, I think he was a lackey for Charles Darwin. He generally just makes my life Hell. We had a big fight about it and they split us up for a month"The older biologist said, “That should make you happy.” The young biologist sadly shook his head and said, “Not when the month is up today!”

While driving down a steep and curvy logging road, a group of biologists loose control of their 4-wd “Jimmy” and careen down the hill. The truck piles up at the bottom of the canyon, and everyone aboard perishes. Suprisingly, they all go to heaven. At an orientation they are asked, “When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you? “The first guy, a well known botanist says, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest botanists of my time, and left an eternal contribution to the botanical world.“The second guy, an ornithologist, says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations.“The last guy, a scruffy mammalogist, replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK, HES MOVING!!! "

A group of goose biologists were meeting to brainstorm about the migration tactics of Canada geese. They were particularly interested in applying for a $100,000 Federal grant to investigate the “V” formation of goose flight. It had been observed that one side of the “V” is always longer than the other side. This group would put together a research proposal to apply for the $100,000 grant and hopefully find out why this happens.To start off the discussion, Todd, the Consulting Firm Biologist stands up and says in typical consultant fashion, “I say we ask for $200,000, and attempt to model the wind drag coefficients. We can have our geologists record and map the ground topography and then our staff meteorologists can predict potential updraft currents. Our internal CAD department can then produce 3-d drawings of the predicted wing tip vortices. Then, after several years of study, our in-house publications department could produce a nice thick report full of charts and graphs.“The Senior Research Biologist, a professor at the local university, cleared his throat and responded, “No, no!, Thats not it at all. We only need $150,000. We can train a group of domesticated geese to fly in formations of equal length and then compare their relative fitness to wild geese. We can then publish the results in the Journal of Wildlife Management. About then, the hardworking field biologist stands up and begins walking for the door. “Where are you going? " the group asks. “Im leaving” he replies, “Ive heard enough. No one has to give me $100,000 to find out that the reason one side of the “V” is longer is simply because there are more damn geese on that side!”

A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon his return home, his parents asked him what happened.“You know what a crew boss is? " he asked. “The one who stands around and watches everyone else work.” “Whats that got to do with it? " they asked. “Well, he just got jealous of me,” the young biologist explained. “Everyone thought I was the crew boss.”

An old mountain man in Arkansas was sick and bedridden. He had not been outdoors for a few weeks and had a sharp craving for a meal of wild squirrel. He summoned his half-idiot son into the room and instructed him to go squirrel hunting and bring him back a squirrel or two. He also told his son to be very careful not to shoot the squirrel in the head as he would need its brains later to “tan” the squirrels pelt. (Tanning a skin using the animals brains is a common practice in certain areas, it generally takes about one brain to tan one skin).The idiot son spent most of the day searching the woods for tree squirrels, but was not having any luck. Finally, high up in a sweet-gum tree, he spotted a squirrels head sticking out from a hole. He remembered his Pas admonitions to save the brains. After deciding he may not have another chance, he shot it in the head, thus ruining the brains. r His sick Pa was upset, “I cant tan that skin without no brains!” he said, “Now what am I a gonna do? " Thinking quickly, he remembered that up on the river there were 3 fisheries biologists doing some field work.“Well, were only tanning one squirrel skin, walk up the river and shoot one of them dang fish biologists and Ill use his brains to tan the skin,” he told the son. The son did as he was told and soon returned with the prize. As it turned out, the brain wasnt large enough and the boy was upset as he would have to make another trip to harvest the other two biologists brains.“Look on the bright side, boy”, the old man told him, “Two more ought to be just enough. Wed have been in real trouble if they was BOTANISTS!”

Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?

Q: whats a biologists definition of a graph

A: an animal with a long neck