Bars and drinking jokes

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, Im Jesus Christ. The first priest says, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, No, son, Im Jesus Christ. The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, Jesus Christ, youre here again?

#Bars and drinking jokes

Got home from the pub at three o’clock this morning and the missus was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.

I said, “What are you doing baking at this hour? "

#Bars and drinking jokes

There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the doctor about it. The doctor says to him, “Well, it must be your diet, what sort of greens do you eat? "

The man replies, “Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green foods.”

The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, “Well man, that’s your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you’ll have to give them up!!”

The guy says, “But how long for, I mean I really like peas!”

The doctor replies, “Forever, I’m afraid.”

The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.

Anyway, one night, years later, he’s at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, “Well, ashully, I’d love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up.”

Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, “Really, I haven’t had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!”

The businessman says, “Thas nuvving, I haven’t ad a pea in 6 years” and the barman jumps up screaming, “Okay, everyone who can’t swim, grab a table…”

#Bars and drinking jokes

Famous Drinking Quotations

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.” ~ Jack Handy
~~~~

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
~~~~

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” ~ Henny Youngman
~~~~

“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.” ~ Stephen Wright
~~~~

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” ~ Brian O’Rourke
~~~~

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin
~~~~

“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” ~ Dave Barry
~~~~

To some ! it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell

#Bars and drinking jokes

There were these three brothers that were very close to each other. The brothers always went to a local bar on every Friday at 5:30 on the dot. When the brothers got married they all got married to their wifes to be on the same day and at the same place. When the brothers moved away from each other to go on with their lives with their new wife, they all promised each other that they would still go to the bar every friday at 5:30 and drink for each other. On the first Friday that the brothers were separated, the first brother went to a local bar and ordered three drinks. He took one sip from the first glass the took one sip from the second glass then from the third. He did this until all the beer was gone, then he paid the bartender and went home. This kept up for about three week before the bartender finally asked why he did that. The guy explained about the promise th at he had with his brothers. The bartender said that he thought that was a very good promise to keep with each other. One day the same guy came in and asked for only two glasses of beer. The bartender thinking something awful has happened, said “I am awfully sorry about your brother.” The guy not knowing anything about what the bartender was talking about said “What happened to him? " The bartender said that when he only ordered two drinks instead of three he thought that something awful had happened. The brother then said “No, nothing happened to my brother, I just decided to give up alcohol.”

#Bars and drinking jokes

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartenter " Give me twenty shots of your best singlemalt scotch quick!"] The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast.” The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have.” The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have? " The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents.”

#Bars and drinking jokes

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance? “The girl says, “I dont like this song, but even if I did, I wouldnt dance with you.“The guy says, “Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.”

#Bars and drinking jokes

Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut. After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marleys head.“How you like it? " asked the barber. “Real fine,” said the redneck. “But how bout making it a little longer in the back? "

#Bars and drinking jokes

Three Irishmen are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best lay in town!”

The guy ignores him and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was swee-eeet!”

Again the guy refuses to take the bait and the drunk wanders off.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom even let me –”

Finally, the guy interrupts. “Go home, Dad – you’re drunk.

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

#Bars and drinking jokes

Why Females Should Avoid A Girls Night Out After They Are Married….

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed.. 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

he next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted!!”

#Bars and drinking jokes

During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her. Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time boys, one at a time.”

#Bars and drinking jokes

Mick staggered home in the wee small hours after a heavy night out with his mates. When he woke up the next morning, he found he was in bed with the dog beside him in his wife’s place.
“Glory be!” said Mick. " I must have been really drunk when I got home. I thought there was a lot of noise when I threw the dog out!

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember).

#Bars and drinking jokes

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey arent you going to pay for that? " The man says, “Excuse me, Castros Army.” The bartender says, “Alright then” and the man leaves.A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey arent you going to pay for that? " The man says, “Excuse me, Castros Army.” The bartender says “Alright then” and the man leaves.The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. He drinks the whisky then start s walking out the door. The bartender says, “Hey arent you going to pay for that? " The Scotsman says, “Excuse me, Castros Army.” The bartender says, “Hey where is your big black beard? " The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, “Secret Service!”

#Bars and drinking jokes

A guy stumbles through the front door of a bar, ambles up to the bartender and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the drunk man and says,“Im sorry sir, but I cant serve you…youve already had too much to drink.” The guy swears and walks out of the bar. Five minutes later the guy comes flying through the side door of the bar, and yells for a beer. Again the bartender says,“Im sorry, sir…but I cant serve you…youve already had too much to drink!” Ten minutes later, the same guy comes barrel-assing through the back door of the bar, storms up to the bartender, and demands a beer. Again, the bartender says to the man…“Im really sorry, sir, but youve had too much to drink…youre going to have to leave!” The guy looks quizzically at the bartender and says finally, “My God, man… How many bars do you work at? !!!”

#Bars and drinking jokes

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, ‘Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.’

‘Oh yeah? ' said Charlie, ‘And how did this one end? '

‘When it was over,’ Mike replied, ‘She came to me on her hands and knees.’

‘Really,’ said Charles, ‘Now that’s a switch! What did she say? '

She said, ‘Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.’

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

#Bars and drinking jokes

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling… “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

#Bars and drinking jokes

A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer. “That will be one ruble,” says the bartender. “One ruble!” the customer protests, “last week it was only fifty kopeks!” “Well,” replies the bartender, “its fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika.” Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says, “We are out of beer.”

#Bars and drinking jokes

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, ‘Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What’s going on? '

‘Well,’ Said the Barman, ‘I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows…’

#Bars and drinking jokes

I had been walking behind two nuns the other day, when a rather large gent exited a corner sports bar. and headed down the street in our direction.It was obvious that he had over indulged as he was staggering around quite a bit, and noticed that it had made two nuns very nervous.

As the man approached, the two nuns split apart, one walking to the man’s left and one walking to the man’s right.

After the nuns were past the man, I heard him mutter, “Now how in the hell did she do that”?

#Bars and drinking jokes

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

#Bars and drinking jokes

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !”

“Oh yeah? What happened? " asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And the lazy SOB peed out the window right onto my head? "

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag! That would sure mess up my day.” says the bartender.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.

#Bars and drinking jokes