Aviation Jokes

“Flight 1234, are you ready to copy holding instructions? ““Center, make that request on the next frequency….”

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him “Excuse me, Captain” she says, “I am doing a survey on human sexuality…I was wondering if you could answer a few questions…” The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three questions, she asks him “…and when was the last time you had sex? “. Straight away the Captain replies “1959”. The girl was shocked. She looks at the captain and asks “1959 isnt that a long time ago? “. “Oh” the pilot replies “I guess so…but its only 2015 now…”

“Ive never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. “You will bring me down safely, wont you? “All I can say maam,” said the pilot, “is that Ive never left anyone up there yet!”

Stewardess” “Yes, Sir? " “I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I cant see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I cant sleep.” “Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: “Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! Ive never seen one that short!“The co-pilot looked out the windshield. “Wow! youre right! Thats incredible! Are you sure we can make it? ““Well we better, were almost out of fuel.“So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilots hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.“HEW! That was CLOSE!” yelled the captain. “That runway was SHORT!““Yeah!” said the co-pilot, “and WIDE too!”

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, “Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets? “The flight attendant answered, “We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient.“Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, “Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly? “The flight attendant replied, “The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises.“The customer looked confused. “How does that help? " he asked.“Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I dont need to wash my hands.“The customer nodded and asked, “But how do you get it back in your pants? “The flight attendant smiled, “I dont know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola on one of those computer planes.” I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new airplane in the living room. She heard her son said, “All of you sons of bitches get the hell off the plane now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the plane, cause were going to take-off now.“The mother went in and told her son, “We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your plane, but I want you to use nice language.” Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his plane. Soon the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are deplaning, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for flying with us today and hope your tr ip was a pleasant one. We hope you will fly with us again soon.“She hears the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the plane. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.“As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth flight, Now sit back and relax. - OH MY GOD!“SilenceThen, the captain came back on the intercom and said: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I an so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!“A passenger in Coach said: “Thats nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

A small twin-prop commuter plane was hijacked by a desperate animal rights extremist who vowed to kill one of the passengers to demonstrate his serious intentions. There were two passengers present, a microbiologist and a yeast geneticist. The hijacker gave each one two minutes to explain why they shouldnt be killed. The microbiologist (who studied bacteria) talked for 1 minute 59 seconds explaining that he studies bacteria, bacteria are model organisms for the study of genetics and physiology etc. etc. and finished with an emotional, bacteria-laden plea which had the hijacker in tears. When he was done, they turned to the yeast geneticist who said, “let me explain to you why yeast genetics is an important discipline…” but he was interrupted by the microbiologist who exclaimed “Shoot me! Shoot me!”

After the first takeoff of the fully automatic airplane, the passengers heard the soothing, reassuring voice of the pilot: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your automatic pilot. In my modern and carefully tested sytem an error is absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, absolutely impossible, …”

ATC: “Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? " Cessna: “To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating.” ATC: “I meant in the next five minutes not years.”

How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

On a flight with EasyJet back in 1997 the pilot made what can only be describes as an extremely heavy landing at Luton. It was very early in the morning and a number of passenger around me looked quite alarmed as, apartfrom the noise, a number of overhead lockers dropped open and several items of carry-on luggage were launched down the aisle.After slowing up, the aircraft turned off the runway and turned towards the stand and over the PA came “Good morning ladies gentlemen, this is Captain Smith, welcome to Luton…and if any of you were asleep…I bet youre not now!”

Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, “Wait Please.” To which Laloo replied, “65 kgs,” and moved on.

“Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings..““OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!”

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot, but she keeps denying it–until finally the husband just knew when his wife said: “Honey, Ive told you once, Ive told you twice, Ive told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair …”

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.“The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.“The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do? ““I just shut down two engines, kid.”

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.“Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.“From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

Little boy to airline pilot: “Youre a pilot? !? !? That must be exciting.” Pilot: “Not if I do it right.”

What is ideal Flight Deck complement for a modern airliner? A Captain, a Co-pilot and a dog. The dog is there to bite the captain if he tries to touch the controls, and the co-pilot is there to feed the dog.