Marriage jokes( Page: 1 of 23 )
Been married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....
George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing? "
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK? "
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge? "
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."v Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."v Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25? "
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do? "
"Opened a can of peas.
Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach so that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. her husband comes into the bedroom takes one look and says, "For God's sake Maude, comb your hair and put your teeth in.
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean? " asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I was able to get it up in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that? " his buddy wondered.
"Well, years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.
"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years.
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you." "But why--" asked the startled father. "Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? "
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, "Your sense of humor."
Dave comes home from work early one day.
He walks in to the kitchen and sees his wife on her knees, scrubbing the floor. He watches the rhythmic movements of her bum stuck high in the air for a few seconds, before he can't take it any more.
Without a word, he lifts up her skirt, slides in and gives her the pounding of her life until they both orgasm loudly. Then he zips himself up, gets to his feet and kicks her up the arse as hard as he can.
"What the was that for? !" she screams at him.
"That was for not turning round to see who it was." he replies.
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- "Quick!, that must be my husband!"
So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.
Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I'm your husband, you slut!!!
So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah? !! And why were you running? !!
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off? " The wife replied, "You were playing with my puddy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said, "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.