Sports jokes

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11-30-2009

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!

A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?   No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"


11-26-2009
I have been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy. Here is the Table of Contents from my new book - "Winning Golf Strategies," which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.
Table of Contents -
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Urinate Behind a 4" x 4" Post Undetected.
Chapter 10 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 11 - How to explain that you found your ball that everyone else saw go in the water
Chapter 12 - How to deal with the fact that your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 - How to Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 14 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 15 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 16 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 17 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 18 - Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 A Beer from the Cart Girl and Give Her A $3 Tip especially when she is wearing a tank top, but will balk At $3.50 at the 19th Hole And then Stiff the Bartender . .


11-26-2009
A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?   What's wrong?  '
'I was stung by a bee', she said.
'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, 'Then your stance is too wide.'


08-19-2009
What tea do footballers drink?  Penaltea!


08-19-2009
Where do footballers dance?  At a football!


08-19-2009
Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball."I was the James Bond type of player," he told his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.""Batted .007," his wife added.


08-19-2009
A true story, according to the LA Times.....Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins, "Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?  "Wilkins replied, "I dont know and I dont care!"


08-19-2009
It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors favor, the home quarterback blew his top.How many times can you do this to us in a single game?  " he screamed. "You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter." The official just stared. The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. "What it comes down to," he bellowed, "is that you STINK!" The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback. The official finally replied, "And how do I smell from here?  "


08-19-2009
Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ________."Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question?  "Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.""Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys should er again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?  ""You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."


08-19-2009
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat. When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?  " The man replied, "This was my wifes seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"Im so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didnt give the ticket to a friend or a relative?  " The man replied, "Theyre all at the funeral."


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