Religious jokes( Page: 1 of 16 )
At a Convent on the edge of a coastal bay. Three Nuns are standing on the veranda watching two whales that had swum into the bay. The Whales are swimming around gracefully. The first Nun said "That reminds me, there's a good nature documentary on TV this afternoon."
Then the Whales started getting boisterous, sending waves crashing on to the rocks below where the Nuns were standing. The second Nun said "That reminds me, there is a storm due to hit this afternoon."
Then the Whales started humping. The old bull was really going for it. The third Nun said "That reminds me, I have to see the Bishop this afternoon!"
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands.
Mary: "Patrick. I have something to tell you."
Patrick: "Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything."
Mary: "It's so terrible."
Patrick: "You know you can trust me. What is it? "
Mary: "Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight.."
Patrick: "So, what is it? "
Mary: "Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn .. prostitute!"
Mary: "We needed the money so bad!"
Patrick: "There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!"
Mary: "Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore."
Patrick: "Oh! ...You... Well, that's ok. For a moment I thought you said 'protestant'!
The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, "Don't sell that cow"
"And how much of that stack of hay did you steal, Kavanaugh? " the priest asked at confession. "I might as well confess to the whole stack, your Reverence," said Kavanaugh. "Im goin after the rest of it tonight!"
OToole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time hed been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, its 15 years since my last confession, and Ive been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena? " OToole said, "Father, if you have the plans, Ive got the lumber."
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaohs daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Davids Triumph was heard throughout the land.