Police jokes

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07-05-2009
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job."Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?  ""11" he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, "Thats not what I meant, but hes right.""What two days of the weekstart with the letter T?  ""Today and tomorrow."He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself."Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?  "Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I dont know.""Well, why dont you go home and work on that one for a while?  "So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant."It went great! First day on the job and Im already working on a murder case!"


07-05-2009
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a police roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!""Dont worry, Bubba," Earl said. "Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?  ", asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin, OK?  ," said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin?  ""No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "Were on the patch."


07-05-2009
A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessies house, and grandpa Morris gets out.The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldnt find his way home. " Oy Morris ", said grandma, " Youve been going to that park for over 30 years ! So how could you get lost ?   " Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldnt hear. Morris whispered, " I wasnt lost.....I was just too tired to walk home."


07-05-2009
Juggler, driving to his next performance, was stopped by the police. "What are those knives doing in your car?  " asked the officer. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh yeah?  " says the cop. "Lets see you do it." So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyre making you do now!"


07-05-2009
A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."The woman answered "Well, I have contacts."The policeman replied "I dont care who you know! Youre getting a ticket!"


07-05-2009
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until hes topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he cant escape and finally pulls over.The cop approaches the car and says, "Its been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, Ill let you go."The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"


07-05-2009
A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Lets get off the corner people."A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Lets get off that corner... NOW!"Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?  "Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."


07-05-2009
The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! Im a rabbit! Im a rabbit!"


07-05-2009
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening."Aye, so I have. Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldnt be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, Im afraid Ill need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."Indignantly, the man said, "Why?   Dont ye believe me?   !"


07-05-2009
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guys window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry officer I cant do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Ill have a really bad asthma attack.""Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I cant do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, Ill bleed to death.""Well, then we need a urine sample.""Im sorry officer I cant do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Ill get really low blood sugar.""Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.""I cant do that, officer.""Why not?  ""Because Im too drunk to do that!"


Police jokes
Police-jokes
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