Oldtimer jokes( Page: 1 of 8 )
A little old lady asks her doctor if there are any erection pills for her elderly husband.
"Yes," the doc says, "there are three different strengths: 20% , which lifts it up a little bit, 50%, which makes it stand up half way and 100% which makes it touch the ceiling."
"Oh", says the woman,"I'll take the 20% pill please."
The doc shrugs his shoulders and says, "the 20% pill wont do much for you sex life, love," to which the old woman replies, "no, but it'll stop him peeing in his slippers!"
Old age jokes It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it? "
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "Oh, am I driving?
Two old ladies have played bridge together for many years, and naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game of cards, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, "I realize we've known each other for many years, but for the life of me, I just can't bring it to mind... would you please tell me your name again, dear? "
There is dead silence for a couple of minutes, then the other lady responds, "How soon do you need to know? "
Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this? ' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
There was this old woman who heard a song called "Two Lips and Seven Kisses." She called up information after hearing the song on the radio to get the name of the record company. In dialing, she erroneously called up a gas station, and she asks, "Do you have "Two Lips and Seven Kisses? "
The gas station attendant who answered the phone said, "No, but I have two nuts and seven inches!"
So the woman asked, "Is this a record? "
To which the man replied, "No, its average!"
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me? " After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no? " He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No? "
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I havent told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times!"
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? Ill give you each a dollar if youll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up jo b on the trash cans.After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, Ill only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street."Look," he said, "I havent received my Social Security check yet, so Im not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay? " "A lousy quarter? " the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, youre nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace.
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I cant remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, " Well, ladies, Im glad I dont have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, Ill get it!"