Men jokes

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11-29-2009
A word of warning for those of you who may be regular WAL MART customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you!

Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another WAL MART or TARGET. When you agree they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, and 24th. Also December 1st, 3rd, twice on the 7th, three times just yesterday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.


11-28-2009

What I Want in a Man! (Original List):

  • Handsome
  • Charming
  • Financially successful
  • A caring listener
  • Witty
  • In good shape
  • Dresses with style
  • Appreciates finer things
  • Full of thoughtful surprises
  • An imaginative, romantic lover
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

  • Nice looking
  • Opens car doors, holds chairs
  • Has enough money for a nice dinner
  • Listens more than talks
  • Laughs at my jokes
  • Carries bags of groceries with ease
  • Owns at least one tie
  • Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
  • Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
  • Seeks romance at least once a week
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

  • Not too ugly
  • Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
  • Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
  • Nods head when I'm talking
  • Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
  • Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
  • Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
  • Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
  • Remembers to put the toilet seat down
  • Shaves most weekends
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

  • Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
  • Doesn't belch or scratch in public
  • Doesn't borrow money too often
  • Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
  • Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
  • Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
  • Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
  • Appreciates a good TV dinner
  • Remembers your name on occasion
  • Shaves some weekends
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

  • Doesn't scare small children
  • Remembers where bathroom is
  • Doesn't require much money for upkeep
  • Only snores lightly when asleep
  • Remembers why he's laughing
  • Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
  • Usually wears some clothes
  • Likes soft foods
  • Remembers where he left his teeth
  • Remembers that it's the weekend
  • What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

  • Breathing.
  • Doesn't miss the toilet.

  • 11-27-2009
    A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry.

    As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars. The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why?   Because I love you, dear."

    The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a new stereo, VCR, and month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."

    The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits, which continued to multiply, and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."

    The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest boobs.


    11-27-2009
    Why men don't write advice columns for women

    Dear Neville,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

    I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

    I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him any more.

    Can you please help?  

    Sincerely,
    Mrs. Sheila Usk

    Dear Sheila,
    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

    I hope this helps.

    Neville


    11-27-2009
    Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?   Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

    Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

    You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

    You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

    No wonder men are happier.


    11-26-2009
    A REAL Man's drink!!! A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
    After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
    "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK.
    He drinks the shot of Baileys... smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks... this is OK.
    Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
    In one second the sharp lime taste hits...
    At two seconds the Baileys curdles.
    At three seconds the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits.
    At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
    This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?  "
    She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."


    11-20-2009
    Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but thats about it.


    11-20-2009
    Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.


    11-20-2009
    Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest.


    11-20-2009
    Men are like high heels. Theyre easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.


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