Lawyer jokes( Page: 1 of 7 )
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, father? "
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver spotted a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him.
But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back onto the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain that he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD."
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and, when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day? "
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie? "
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy? "
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? "
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputie's expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for? "
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference? "
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand? "
Not one hand went up ... so she took the crabs home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "Thats Strange!"
A local United Way office realized that it had neverreceived a donation from the towns most successful lawyer. The personin charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to thecommunity in some way? " The lawyer mulled this over for a moment andreplied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dyingafter a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times herannual income? " Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no.""-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to awheelchair? " The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out anapology but was interrupted, "-or that my sisters husband died in atraffic accident," the lawyers voice rising in indignation, "leavingher penniless with three children? " The humiliated United Way rep,completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, thelawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I dont give any money to them,why should I give any to you? "
Why dont lawyers play hide-and-seek? Nobody will look for them.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and atrampoline? You should take your workboots off beforeyou jump on a trampoline.
What is the proper weight for a lawyer? About 3 pounds, .......not counting the urn!
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married,but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got toheaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them toget married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it andagreed, but said they would have to wait.It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent forthem. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things wenton, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,that eternity was best not spent together. They went back toSt. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, butnow we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is thereany way we can get divorced? " "Are you kidding? " said St. Peter."It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marryyou. I will never get a lawyer!"