Judge jokes

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11-30-2009
man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?   What is the big deal about a two-story house?  "

The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"


11-14-2009
Judge: You stated that the stairs went down to the basement, is that correct?  A: Yes.Judge: And these same stairs, did the also go up?  


11-14-2009
Judge: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?  A: She is my daughter.Judge: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?  


11-14-2009
Judge: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?  A: All my autopsies are on dead people.


11-14-2009
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.Justice: A decision in your favor.


11-14-2009
How many judges does it take to change a light bulb?  Just one; he holds it still and the whole world revolves around him.Just one, but two lawyers have to explain him how to do it.


11-14-2009
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation saidshe was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I havewaited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiledwith delight. "Now sit down at that table and write I will not pass througha red light five hundred times."


11-14-2009
Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe myex-wife any money."Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "Hes not. I am. You do."


11-14-2009
Judge to witness: "And where was the location of the accident?  "Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."Judge:: "And where is milepost 499?  "Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500."


11-14-2009
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?   Juror: I dont want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Cant they do without you at work?   Juror: Yes, but I dont want them to know it.


Judge jokes
Judge-jokes
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