Idiot and fool jokes( Page: 1 of 16 )
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her? "
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "F**k!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush? "
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."
Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it? " asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him? she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys helped us? . I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there? " "Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push? " calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you? " asks the husband
"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
How does a Russian Aeroflot pilot navigate? By reading street signs.
Carmella and Mario were out on their first date. "Have you ever read Shakespeare? " asked Carmella. "No," said Mario. "Who wrote it? "
Iraq has just ordered two thousand septic tanks from Russia. As soon as the Iraqis learn to drive them, they are going to invade Iran.
Why cant the Philippines field an ice hockey team? The players all drowned in spring training.
How do Filipinos count money? One-a, two-a, three-a, four-a, another-a ...
What do Filipinos call Canada? Upper U.S.
Idiot and fool jokes