Heaven and hell jokes( Page: 1 of 5 )
Three nuns were talking one sunny day in June.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do? " the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied.
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do? " they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be!"
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna," and *poof* she's gone too.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who? " he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the third nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
..... If you laughed, you are going straight to hell!
Three nuns were travelling home from a Bible Support Group meeting late one dark and stormy night....
Suddenly through the pouring rain there was a brilliant flash of lightning and a massive crash of thunder.
The nun driving the car was so frightened that she swerved off the road, lost control of the car, it plummeted over the side of an embankment, and eventually came to rest at the bottom of a steep hill, but only after smashing headlong into a tree, killing all three nuns instantly...
A split second later, the three nuns, caught in mid-scream, appeared at the pearly gates of Heaven. St.Peter was there to greet them.
"Hello and welcome!', he said, "These are the pearly gates of Heaven. Before you pass through into the promised land, you must answer a question, but be of good cheer, you are all 'of the cloth' and the question is of a religious nature, so you should have no problem answering it."
He went on to say, "I shall ask this question of you, one at a time. Who would like to go first? "
The nun who was driving (who was the senior of the three) said, "I Will."
St.Peter looked at her, and asked, "Very well. Your question is: 'Who was the first Man? '" The nun looked back at Peter somewhat amazed, but thought to herself 'Gee, that's an EASY one!' and so quickly replied, "ADAM!"
"Correct!", said St.Peter, and the pearly gates swung open, accompanied by an orchestra of angels on trumpets and harps, amidst a great glowing light. The nun passed through, the gates slowly closed, the light was extinguished and the music stopped.
The remaining two nuns thought to themselves 'Pretty decent special effects!'
St.Peter looked at the second nun (who was travelling in the passenger seat next to the driver, and was next in line in the seniority stakes).
"Your question", said Peter, "is this: 'Who was the first Woman? "
'Crikey', thought the nun to herself, 'that's an EASY one!' and quickly answered, "EVE!"
"Correct!", said St.Peter, and again the pearly gates swung open, with all the fanfare and dazzling lights as the first nun, and once the nun had passed through, the gates again closed, and the light and music ceased.
Finally, St.Peter looked at the third nun, who was quite young and only a novice (hence she was in the back seat in the car), and who was, by now, very nervous, and anxious that she might answer incorrectly and not be admitted to heaven.
St.Peter looked sternly at her and asked, "Your question is: 'What was the first thing Eve said to Adam? '"
Before thinking, the nun blurted out, "Aw, Jeez, that's a HARD one!"
And St.Peter said, "Correct!", and the pearly gates swung open, and the music blared, and the lights shone..
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be? "
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter? "
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them? " He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why? " asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be." "Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" "No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. "Id like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. "Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "Youll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him thats bad.Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, Im trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hells Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t hen went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "Thats impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. "Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!" "Yeah? What if I dont? " replied the devil."Ill sue you if I have to," answered God."Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer? "
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! Hes moving!"
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas? " "Theyre Carols."
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven."Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates? " he asks one of the men, who had been a butler."I was a good father," he answers."Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, lets get out of here."
Heaven and hell jokes