Farmer jokes( Page: 1 of 8 )
A farmer had a brown cow and a white cow, and he wanted to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and tell him when the bull was finished. After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking to some friends.
"Say, Pop", said the boy.
"Yes", replied the father.
"The bull has just screwed the brown cow!".
There was a sudden silence in the conversation. The father asked his friends to excuse him for a moment, took his son outside and said: "Son, you musn't use language like that, especially in front of company. You should say that the bull 'surprised' the cow. now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'surprises' the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came back and said "Hey, Daddy!".
"Yes, son, did the bull 'surprise' the white cow"?
"He sure did, Pop! he screwed the brown cow again!"
Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and*splat*... he flattened the cat. Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants. When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon memadame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but Iwanted to let you know instead of just driving off...." "Not so fast", says she. "How do you know it was our cat? Could youdescribe him? What does he look like? " The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like thts"as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression. "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied. "I meant, what did he look like*before* you hit him? " At that, the man got up , covered his eyes with both hands and screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"
A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! Ill get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit h that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there? " asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary."Lets have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Lets kill a pig."The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I dont see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly."Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? " she asked."Yeth." lisped the farmer.Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? "The farmer replies, "Im trying to win a Nobel Prize.""How? " asks the man, puzzled."Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."
The farmers son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst."Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them.""Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmers soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? "Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans.""You dont understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian? "With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost? ""Naw! Ive lived here all my life," answered the farmer."Are you prepared for the resurrection? " the frustrated preacher asked.This caught the farmers attention and he asked, "Whens it gonna be? "Thinking he had accomplished somet hing the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, dont mention it to my wife. She dont get out much and shell wanna go all three days."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Whos the boss around here? " he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like? " The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the mans wife said. "Heres your chicken." said the farmer.
A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off."You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why dont you rest a moment, and Ill give you a hand.""No thanks," said the young man."My father wouldnt like it.""Dont be silly," the minister said."Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and Ill give him a piece of my mind!""Well," replied the young farmer, "hes under the load of hay."