Divorce jokes

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10-25-2009
Q: How many divorcees does it take to change a lightbulb ?   A: None. The sockets all went with the house.


10-25-2009
Ruby Alice walked up to the desk of a Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the letter "O." "Whyd you put that circle down?  " asked the clerk. "Cause Ah cant write," replied the girl. "Why dont you sign with an X?  " asked the man. "Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah got me a divorce, Ah took back mah maiden name!"


10-25-2009
Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?  " The Manager replied, "Which one?   We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95, Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $375.00." "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?  !?  ", Ralph asked surprised. The Manager replies, "Well, Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture."


10-25-2009
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?  " the son screams. "We cant stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says "Were sick of each other, and Im sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell theyre getting divorced," she shouts, "Ill take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Dont do a single thing until I get there. Im calling my brother back, and well both be there tomorrow. Until then, dont do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?  " and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif e. "Okay," he says, "theyre coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?  "


10-25-2009
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph. She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there an ything you want?  " The husband says, "No, Ive got everything I need right here." She asks, "Whats that?  " The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "Ive got the airbag!"


10-25-2009
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says shell see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?  " "Oh," replies the husband, "shes my mistress." "Well, thats the last straw," says the wife. "Ive had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Whos that woman with Jim?   " asks the wife. "Thats his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.


10-25-2009
A hillbilly walked into an attorneys office wanting to file for divorce. Attorney: "May I help you?  " Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces". Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?  " Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres." Attorney: "No, you dont understand, do you have a case?  " Hillbilly: "No, I dont have a Case, but I have a John Deere." Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?  " Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. Thats where I park my John Deere." Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?  " Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays." Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?  " Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning." Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?  !?  !?  !?  " Hillbilly: "No shes a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger . Thats why I want this dayvorce."


10-25-2009
Question: Why is divorce so expensive?  Answer: Because its worth it.


10-25-2009
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.He thought he was God, and I didnt.


10-25-2009
A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce." The judge says, "Youve been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce?   Why did you wait so long?  " The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."


Divorce jokes
Divorce-jokes
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