Miscellaneous jokes

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11-30-2009

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?  "

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?  "

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?  "

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?  "

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?  "

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?  "


11-30-2009

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

"In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."


11-30-2009
Top 10 Reasons ~ Why Beer Is Better Than Religion
-------------------------------------------------

  • No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
  • Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
  • Beer has never caused a major war.
  • They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
  • When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
  • Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
  • You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
  • There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
  • You can prove you have a Beer.
  • If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

  • 11-30-2009
    Ten signs your son is too old for breast feeding.
    ---------------------------------------------

    10. He can open your blouse by himself.
    9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
    8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
    7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
    6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
    5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
    4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
    3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
    2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
    1. Beard abrasions on areola.


    11-30-2009
    Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving, But Aren't

    "Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
    "I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
    "Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
    "Talk about a huge breast!"
    "It's Cool Whip time!"
    "If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
    "Are you ready for seconds yet?  "
    "Are you going to come again next time?  "
    "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?  "
    "Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
    "Don't play with your meat."
    "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
    "Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?  "
    "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
    "You still have a little bit on your chin."
    "Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
    "How long will it take after you stick it in?  "
    "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
    "Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
    "How many are coming?  "
    "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
    "Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
    "How long do I beat it before it's ready?  


    11-30-2009
    Things you won't see on a Hallmark greeting card:
    *"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
    *"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
    *"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."
    *"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
    *"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
    *"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
    *"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"
    *"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
    *"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
    *"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?  "
    *"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
    *"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."
    *"How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?  "
    *"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
    *"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
    *"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
    *"Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"
    *"I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
    *"Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."
    *"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
    *"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
    *"We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?  "
    *"If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."
    *"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in the South)


    11-30-2009
    They walk among us

    *Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale 50 dollars.' The next day someone stole it.

    *One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted... 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said 'where?  ?  ?  '

    *While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?  ' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff.'

    * My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

    *I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of the half pound one.

    *My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car - it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped - she keeps it in the boot...

    *My friends and I were on a Lager run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

    * I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?  ' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way their head is turned...

    *I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?  '...

    *While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.*


    11-30-2009
    The following is an actual question given on a University of Liverpool chemistry final exam. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?  

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant.

    One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

    Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

    This gives two possibilities:
    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it?  
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

    The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God please somebody help me!”

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A”.


    11-30-2009
    It has long been contended that there are male jokes and there are female jokes, and there are unisex jokes. Here is a joke I consider a true female joke. I offer it to you in the hopes that women will love it and men will pass it along to a woman who will love it.

    A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

    The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...on one condition.'

    Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

    The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said:

    .

    .

    .

    .

    'Paint my house.'


    11-30-2009
    You know you're really trailer trash when...

    The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
    You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
    You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
    You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
    Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."
    You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
    You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
    Someone in your family died right after saying "Hey, y'all watch this!"
    Your Junior / Senior prom had a daycare.
    You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
    The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
    Ya' can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a dang law against it.
    You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
    Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


    Miscellaneous jokes
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